You finally sink gratefully into your bed, exhausted from a long day, and think about how you’ve been waiting for this moment – the moment you can actually rest. And then the thoughts continue. You’re so very tired, but you cannot seem to shut off your brain. Inevitably, your mind turns to that person… the one you miss. The one you lost, or who lost you somehow. The one you wish you could put out of your head, but who manages to sneak back in, especially when it’s the last thing you want. When this happens, as it does so frequently, remember this:

They aren’t here. 

Whatever the reason may be, they are not a part of your present reality. Yes, it hurts, sometimes to the point where you feel you cannot bear another moment. No human exists entirely without pain, and the despair of losing love cuts deeply. But you are lying here, tearing yourself apart, using up energy you can’t afford to spare on someone who isn’t beside you. As much as you might hate thinking about it, they are out of your life and there’s a reason for that. Be gentle with yourself as you process the pain of separation, but also remember that you are worth your own love, compassion, and energetic capacity. Don’t give it all away to someone who doesn’t even realize you’re doing so because they aren’t present to receive it.

Life is fluid, and people come and go.

Do you tend to attach and cling on to others? Almost everyone does this, so don’t feel bad. If it wasn’t an issue, there wouldn’t be entire religions based on the idea of non-attachment. The reality of existing as a human in this world is that people will come into your life and then they will leave. It may seem impossible that you could ever lose someone, and then a month later it’s an entirely different story. The only thing that is constant in life is change. The only way to survive and live in a way where your happiness isn’t always dependent on the actions and emotions of others is to cultivate a practice of unconditional love. Love that does not cling or demand or need someone else, but that accepts and appreciates the time that you have with them. Love that can let them go when their presence is no longer resonant.

You control no one but yourself.

This is both a freeing realization, and for some, a terrifying one. In a world where it’s so hard to feel in control of anything at all, recognizing that everyone outside of yourself is a free agent might bring up anxiety and fear. This is a natural reaction – we are taught to control everything in our lives, perhaps simply by the way our parents try to control us as children. It’s tough to let go when our nervous systems are stuck in survival mode, afraid that if we don’t cling, we lose everything. The freedom comes when we trust ourselves and the universe enough to free those who don’t want to be part of our lives any longer, and also learn not to take that personally.

You are the creator of your own life.

While you don’t control how others react to you, you do control yourself and the decisions you make. Are you wallowing in victim mentality? Are you lying there in bed, tossing and turning, distressed and angry about how someone treated you? Are you focusing entirely on the past and on what you cannot change? It’s time to let go of them and take control of yourself. Like it or not, everything in life is a decision. By not making deliberate choices, you’re giving away your power to other people and allowing their decisions to in turn control your emotions and energy. Isn’t it time to stop? Don’t you want to feel more at peace? You never will as long as you allow your inner world to rely on what someone else feels or does. You can let this person go – it’ll take some inner work and determination, but you are capable.

You deserve to find someone who doesn’t leave you feeling this way.

Sometimes it’s difficult to let go of love because you don’t believe you’ll ever meet anyone else who fits. You think that you’ll never find someone who you love as much, who loves you as much, who understands you the same way… but there’s something you need to know. No matter how much you miss them, if they were truly for you at this point in your life, they would be here. Maybe they were the right fit at some point. Maybe they never really were but you just wanted them to be so badly that you made it work. There are so many complicated emotions at play when it comes to love. If you are still yearning over someone who is gone, you are afraid to let go. You are afraid of the future. You are afraid you’ll never feel that way again. But you will – and you’ll find someone who will stay. Someone who accepts and celebrates you exactly as you are, who doesn’t make you feel insecure, who is excited to be with you each and every day. You deserve that person. Don’t miss out on them because you are afraid to move on and let go of what’s already in the past. You matter, and you deserve the most beautiful love. Now take a deep breath, release whatever emotion feels stuck inside you, and let yourself sleep. Know that something better is coming for you. Rest.