I know you don’t realize what you’re doing, but I’m here to force you to get a clue. It’s not easy to rub your face in the reality of our situation. I care about you. I don’t want to lose your friendship. On the other hand, I was fine before I met you and I will learn to be fine if you go.
You don’t want a relationship, but you use the people around you to get all the benefits of one without having to make the same commitment. That would be fine if it was a two-way street, but in our case, it’s not. I like what we have, but I’m lying to myself if I say that I don’t want more. I tried to be happy with this, and sometimes I am. Sometimes it’s enough just to engage with you on a level that I don’t get with most of the people in my life. I’m getting what I need, in a way, and providing something you blindly want.
On other days, the heartache nags at me until I can hardly stand it. I can’t keep hanging around, clinging to the mindless scraps you throw my way here and there. It’s not your fault – it’s mine. I have to make the mature adult decision and take care of my own emotions.
You do need to understand what you are doing and why. You need to develop awareness on a level as of yet unachievable. It’s not my job to force this understanding on you, but I can sure as hell explain the effect that your unwitting behavior has on me. I’m sure it’s happened before, and I hope it doesn’t happen again – but all I can do is protect myself from the hurt that is sure to come.
You aren’t doing either of us any favors. By using me as a crutch, as someone you can go to when you feel like it, you’re depriving yourself of the growth and development you so sorely need. I can’t be your mirror if you smudge my clarity with your own misconceptions. I told you that I expect nothing of you, and that’s true. My goal is to live in a space where I expect nothing from anyone. The problem is that I’m not there yet, and I’m a deeply feeling, emotional woman. I care about you in a way that I wish I could smother, and yet I know I cannot.
I try to shut my heart off every single day, to stop engaging with you, to pretend that it’s all casual and that I hardly notice when we don’t talk. I’m tired of interacting this way with every guy I care about who doesn’t want me back. It’s getting old. I work to build walls between us but it feels inauthentic and no matter what I do, you bring me back to myself somehow. I’d love that about you if it didn’t bruise my emotions. I have to act like a big girl now and disengage. It’s the only way that I can forge the boundaries we clearly need in our relationship.
I want to tell you that you can’t have it both ways, but I have to live up to my words. If I’m honest with myself, as of now I’m allowing you what you want with no regard for my own needs and dignity. It’s an addiction that I haven’t been able to shake. I’m giving you the benefits of a girlfriend with barely any of the responsibility and all I reap is sadness. I have to put a stop to this for my own sanity. I say that, but I don’t want to lose the little bit of you that I have. Fighting my own idiocy is a never-ending battle.
I’m not here to be your surrogate girlfriend, and I don’t want a surrogate boyfriend. I want to grow and evolve with someone who appreciates all that I have to give and sticks around to be part of my life. I need to accept the hard truth that you will never be that person for me. I know this and yet I can’t make myself let you go.