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I Hate That I Don’t Hate You At All

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woman standing near the ocean
Jake Melara

I hate you.

I hate you for feeling like home when you so clearly don’t intend to be. I hate you for taking the option we both know makes the most sense. I know in my brain that it’s the right move, but my heart stubbornly wants its own way per usual. I hate my own soul for refusing to let go of you in a way that defies all logic. I tell myself I’m being ridiculous. I tell myself I barely know you. I tell myself that I’m dreaming up fairy tales in my stupidly romantic brain.

It doesn’t matter. The heart wants what it wants, and mine is exceptionally wayward.

I hate that I know you feel some sort of something too, but that it isn’t enough. It’s always the same old story. Am I really that tough to date or am I simply underwhelming? I hate that disappointment after disappointment influences me into doubting my own magic. I know I’m fucking magical. I guess I’m not your kind of magic and I hate that as well.

I hate you for being the kind of person I could see myself loving, yet someone who will never let me.

You lit like a fragile dragonfly in my palm, but before I could cup you sweetly with both hands to keep you forever near, you were off, barely present yet leaving an indelible frustration stamped in my memory.

I hate you for being a mirror that reflects my weakness back on myself. I hate you for showing me I can be truly and comfortably myself around someone I actually like, but who doesn’t want me. I hate you for somehow sticking around in the periphery of my life and I despise myself for encouraging it.

But we both know “hate” is a useless word, a word full of desperation and petty heartache. We both know I don’t hate you at all – you’re far too lovable for such a thing.

That’s the worst of it. TC mark

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Cut yourself some slack. One of the biggest regrets most people have about their 20s is that they didn’t enjoy them more. And I’m not talking about “buy more expensive dinners, take another trip to Thailand” type of enjoyment. I mean having the ability to take a deep breath and sip coffee in the morning knowing that you have done, and are doing, your best.

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