I Hate That I Don’t Hate You At All

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woman standing near the ocean
Jake Melara

I hate you.

I hate you for feeling like home when you so clearly don’t intend to be. I hate you for taking the option we both know makes the most sense. I know in my brain that it’s the right move, but my heart stubbornly wants its own way per usual. I hate my own soul for refusing to let go of you in a way that defies all logic. I tell myself I’m being ridiculous. I tell myself I barely know you. I tell myself that I’m dreaming up fairy tales in my stupidly romantic brain.

It doesn’t matter. The heart wants what it wants, and mine is exceptionally wayward.

I hate that I know you feel some sort of something too, but that it isn’t enough. It’s always the same old story. Am I really that tough to date or am I simply underwhelming? I hate that disappointment after disappointment influences me into doubting my own magic. I know I’m fucking magical. I guess I’m not your kind of magic and I hate that as well.

I hate you for being the kind of person I could see myself loving, yet someone who will never let me.

You lit like a fragile dragonfly in my palm, but before I could cup you sweetly with both hands to keep you forever near, you were off, barely present yet leaving an indelible frustration stamped in my memory.

I hate you for being a mirror that reflects my weakness back on myself. I hate you for showing me I can be truly and comfortably myself around someone I actually like, but who doesn’t want me. I hate you for somehow sticking around in the periphery of my life and I despise myself for encouraging it.

But we both know “hate” is a useless word, a word full of desperation and petty heartache. We both know I don’t hate you at all – you’re far too lovable for such a thing.

That’s the worst of it. TC mark

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This is me letting you go

If there’s one thing we all need to stop doing, it’s waiting around for someone else to show up and change our lives. Just be the person you’ve been waiting for.

At the end of the day, you have two choices in love – one is to accept someone just as they are and the other is to walk away.

We owe it to ourselves to live the greatest life that we’re capable of living, even if that means that we have to be alone for a very long time.

“Everyone could use a book like this at some point in their life.” – Heather
Let go now

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