Tonight I got to take my friend’s yoga sculpt class, and for the first time in a day where I felt unexplainably cranky, I smiled. I enjoyed myself. I felt good in the company of people I care for, digging into our workout routine with joy. We got to the cardio section and I flung myself into it, chugging along happily to a song I love. For one second, I let myself go and stopped thinking so much.
I immediately twisted my ankle and fell to the ground. Yes, I recovered quickly, got back up, and continued on, despite the twinge that remained. I modified and I backed out of postures and I pushed on through. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get rid of the frustration that welled up in me at the universe’s punishment for one fleeting moment of abandon.
The thing is that this happens to me a lot and I don’t understand it. I try very hard to be mindful and present and grounded. I think too much. I worry too much. I don’t let myself go nearly enough … but that’s partly because it seems whenever I do, something unpleasant occurs as a result. It honestly seems that if I’m not on top of everything all the time, then it all falls apart.
I want to be easier on myself. I want to accept my imperfections and flaws and live a content life. I was under the impression that kind of mentality was a positive thing, but most of the time I get smacked down when I strive for it. If this is life testing me and my strength, I would love a bit of a break. Do I honestly have to be strong and vigilant all the damn time? Can’t I just be carefree once in awhile?
It seems the answer to that, thus far, is no. There must be something wrong or this wouldn’t keep happening. Perhaps I’m not meditating enough. Perhaps I’m not really grounded or I’m focusing on the wrong priorities. I’m only human, and I already have a difficult time giving myself a break. It would sure help if I got some positive reinforcement for doing so.
I’m not sure what to do to find the answer to this problem, but all I can do is keep trying. This world is too heavy already – I need to embrace my lightness. Perhaps the lesson is in finding that joy despite the obstacles that develop. Perhaps the struggle will all be worth it in the end.