I hardly even know where to begin. I’m so angry with you. I know that’s completely and utterly unproductive, but it’s the truth. I feel betrayed and hurt and confused. I feel like an idiot – I should’ve known better, right? I should’ve seen through all your pretty words and known that you had no staying power.
I don’t want to blame myself for trying to believe in love again, but I do. All I did was damage the work I’ve done to build myself up during my many months of single life. I was happy. Sure, I thought it would be nice to find a good guy, but I was content with my life the way it was. I’d begun making real moves towards the future I want.
Then you came along and you made me believe I could feel something deeply for someone again.
You made me believe that I could trust you and let you in, and then as soon as I did, you dropped me cold. Why would you do that to me?
I thought so much better of you. Clearly I was mistaken, and that’s why I’m now wondering if I’m a complete idiot.
I’d like to believe that you meant what you said. I’d like to believe that you cared about me, but if you had truly appreciated me, you would never have run away so easily. I still think that you’re a genuine person, but obviously emotionally immature and confused. I wish I had seen it earlier.
I know in my gut that you cared for me. I saw it in your face every time you looked at me. All I can figure out, knowing that you felt strongly about me, was that you got scared. You were afraid of feeling real feelings and it made you want to cut and run. You were afraid that you could never live up to what I demand from a partner so you wanted to end it before either of us got hurt.
I know that’s the truth of it, but the bottom line is that makes you a coward. It makes you much less than the man I deserve – a man who would fight for me, a man who would appreciate the beautiful connection we shared and never let it go. I know the worth of that connection. I know how infrequently something so special comes around. It breaks my heart that you don’t.
Now I’m over here screaming silently from the depths of my soul, ashamed that I so violently miss someone who clearly doesn’t appreciate my worth. How have I let this happen to me again? How do I continue to pick emotionally stunted men even when I think that I’ve chosen differently? I’m losing all faith in my instincts.
Every day, I wonder if you think of me. I wonder if you miss me. I wonder if you regret your decision. I’ll never know and it doesn’t matter. I have to move forward with my life. I’m doing my best, but then suddenly a vivid image of you smiling at me with sparkling, affectionate eyes rises up unbidden and it makes my knees buckle with unexpected sadness.
It makes me want to give up trying forever. It makes me wish I’d never met you at all, because the brief and startling joy you brought into my life was never worth all this pain.
I wish I’d simply remained ignorant of your existence in the world because knowing you’re so near and yet not mine is the cruelest torture of all.