I’m tired. I’m tired of leaving my perfectly happy single life to take a chance on love only to be let down yet again. I’m tired of finding a man I connect with only to realize he doesn’t value the rarity of our unique chemistry. I’m tired of finally feeling comfortable asking for what I need only to find that the man I ask is perfectly happy to let me go for doing so.
I don’t ask for much. I can say that with complete confidence. I’m an independent and self-sufficient woman. I don’t care about money or material things. On the other hand, I’m not going to pretend that I’m okay with being an afterthought, a side hobby, or a last priority. I am a good, loving, giving person and I will not stand for any bullshit. I’m done with emotional immaturity. I’m done with men who are intimidated by the fact that I own my imperfection with raw honesty. I embrace all facets of myself because I know that unless I face it, I can’t change it.
Yes, I demand honesty, communication, and growth from my partner. I’m upfront about that in the very beginning. There are no surprises with me.
A man will assure me that he thinks that’s refreshing and wonderful, but when it comes down to the reality … he can’t deal. He doesn’t want to be held accountable. He doesn’t want to look at himself in the mirror and admit that he also has work to do.
I’m doing the work with myself, for myself, and a man’s involvement does not affect the worth of that work.
If I am with someone, though … I’m not going to be the only one growing and changing and developing while he remains stagnant. I will encourage him to be the best version of himself. A mature and emotionally developed man knows the value of the kind of woman I am.
I have yet to meet that man.
Somehow I’m eternally hopeful. I must be, because I keep taking chances on love. I don’t very often and it takes a lot to get me there, but I do it.
It proves devastating every time it isn’t what I hoped. I feel like a fool, duped yet again by someone who is emotionally unavailable and incapable of handling an adult relationship with a grown woman. I don’t know what it will take for me to find a man who understands the precious rarity of a partner who will stand by his side through anything.
People always tell me it’ll happen for me someday, it’ll come around when I least expect it – all the usual platitudes. The problem is I’m too smart for that. I know it doesn’t happen for everyone and I know that I’m not guaranteed a big, lasting love. I can dream of it all I like, but life has harshly taught me that there’s a huge difference between fantasy and reality. I want something uniquely beautiful and I’m no longer willing to settle for less.
I want special love. I want something grand and messy and deep and cathartic and intensely fulfilling.
I want a man who isn’t afraid to bare his most vulnerable self because he knows he can trust me to receive it with care and understanding. I want a man who jumps at the chance to do the same for me in return, because he is an emotionally grown adult who understands the value of a phenomenal woman when he finds one.
I finally feel comfortable in my knowledge of my own worth and power. Now I’m more than ready for my equal partner, the person who sees into the heart of me, and he’s nowhere to be found. Where is the man who will love me as rawly, unabashedly and wholly as I desire so that I can feel secure doing the same in return?
Yes, I am content on my own, but I still yearn for a magical romance. I can be with myself and by myself until I find it. I simply fear that I never will.
I know that I’ll survive, maybe even happily, without it. Still, I will always wonder what could have been. I want fire. I want passion. I want depth. I want visceral, primal, incredible love.
I’ve never been one to wander around from romance to romance. I want to find my partner in adventure now so we can start our journey together. I’ve been longing for that since I can remember. I have so much to give the right man, but I’m afraid I’ll never meet him.
Sometimes the thought keeps me up nights, despite my relative satisfaction with the life I have now. Maybe I’m not ready. I don’t know. Maybe when I no longer seek him, I’ll truly be able to receive him. I hope that’s the case.