There are always things you need to say after a break up. For me there were so many questions. I was lucky. Much luckier than other couples, it was clear for months the relationship was losing its zing, he wasn’t trying, and that didn’t bother me anymore. I was heading to uni, as was he, but that didn’t matter to him at first, of course he changed his mind.
I fell in love again quickly, it wasn’t my intention, what started as a one night thing has blossomed into the best thing to ever happen to me. So very different from my ex in so many ways, he turned into my safety blanket and my best friend. Cliché, I know.
No matter how happy I am with my new relationship I can’t seem to get the past out of my head some days. It ended so abruptly with no reasons or explanations.
“I can’t do this anymore’.
The five words I never expected him to turn around and say, I had been difficult, I know that, but he told me time and time again no distance, no problems would change the fact that he would stay. How was I supposed to understand?
That was it. No more communication. I have heard nothing from him since September last year. No checking to see if I’m okay, no late night drunken awkward texts, not even an “I miss you”.
Part of me needs some closure, something to give my mind the rest it needs of what happened. The other part wonders what I did wrong.
The problem with modern relationships is that we blame ourselves constantly, assuming we weren’t enough, not that they couldn’t handle our turbulent and overpowering beauty.
I have questions, and I assume those reading will have them too, everyone has questions to ask about that day your heart was broken. Why did everything suddenly change? What did I do? The list is endless in broken thoughts and hurt well wishes.
Every morning I roll over and look at the light dripping onto the face of the man I have no doubt I will spend the rest of my life with and smile, because the first love doesn’t matter, only the last does. I have found the one who holds my turbulent and overpowering beauty within his own, I hope you have too.
If you are still waiting for those answers, perhaps we should be asking the questions, perhaps somethings are better left unanswered.
BUT, if you are the one with the answers to those questions, maybe the other person needs to hear them.