“You have every right to feel every emotion that surfaces within you.”
This is something I read today by the lovely Matt Khan, and it was like a breath of fresh air.
I, like most people, feel as if I have no right to get angry or upset or even to be happy at times. We link conditions and circumstances to everything—blaming people for our anger or sadness or having our happiness’ lifeline connected to the actions and words of others.
Lately, I’ve struggled to just feel. I’ve been fearful of what it means to admit I’m angry or sad. Fearful that admitting it will only drown me or smother me further. But as Matt says, when you give yourself permission to feel and move beyond blaming yourself or others and just feel and state “l am ____ because I am,” then that emotion serves you.
It heals you further. It lets in the light. It acknowledges you’re human, but also that within you lies a power that creates worlds. I never thought I could feel negative emotions without erupting, yelling, or saying mean things to others.
I never looked at my eruptions as a sign of mistrust I have towards myself for not believing that I can just sit with an emotion, breathe through it, and listen to what it’s saying.
I’ve always suppressed my feelings, and then, when I am literally a shell on the beach with a storm steeping inside, I overflow, crashing and pulling anyone in my way into it. Drowning them in my depths of anxious anger and sarcastic sadness.
Then, rather than light at the end of it, there is guilt. Immense guilt for ripping into another and injecting them with MY pain. So I promise myself to never do that again. And that’s pretty much how I’ve seen feeling anything negative.
It’s something to avoid.
Something sticky and rotting and toxic.
Something that will taint you and your relationship, so it’s easier to sacrifice yourself by carrying it with you everywhere.
Silent, stitched up, afraid of looking in people’s eyes, resentful of every word they say, even when it’s nice.
But today, I just felt.
I didn’t link it to anyone or anything.
I am afraid because I am.
I am angry because I am.
I am happy because I am.
And by just feeling these emotions while listening to them and their ancient wisdom, while loving myself in the process, they brought clarity, light, and soon afterwards, peace.