This Is How You Truly Win Her Heart

Toa Heftiba

If you are a man who wants a serious, committed relationship, but date after date, fling after fling, are not getting closer to your relationship goal – this one’s for you. But before we get to the part on how to court a woman, we’re going to dig a bit deeper into your psyche, and see if you’re even ready for love.

Is your conscious mind and subconscious mind aligned? First, you may think you want a relationship, and on a conscious level, I’m sure you mean it.

However, is what you’re saying, and how you’re behaving matching to reach the same goal? Hopeful and good intentions aside, most of your behavior is dictated by your subconscious mind – your patterns, your habits, your insecurities, your many guards that you’ve put up to protect yourself from being hurt and rejected… It’s not rocket science to know that if you want different results, well, you’re going to have to make changes. It’s like wanting to lose 20 pounds but eating poorly everyday and constantly putting off exercise. Good intentions are futile without action.

If you’re not getting the relationship you want it’s time to look inward to see what the disconnect is. Is there a gap between where you are now and where you want to be, and what can you work on internally to start bridging that gap?

Look at the last few people you’ve dated – what’s the common thread?
You reach a point in life where you can’t blame it on lead generation. The reason you are single is not because there’s not enough great women out there or you haven’t met ‘the one’. Instead, there’s a pattern you’re repeating and something for you to learn about yourself:

1. Why you’re attracted to certain types of people that cannot give you what you want/need?
2. Why you’re not drawn to people who are a healthy fit for you?
3. Why most of your relationships are short-lived?

Take a look at the last few people you’ve dated. What’s the commonality? Are they all projects that needed your fixing? If so, there’s likely a deep-rooted insecurity that causes you to seek validation and worthiness by rescuing people. Were your exes needy and leaving you feeling constantly suffocated? Perhaps you have an avoidant attachment style whereby you crave intimacy and connection, but subconsciously push people away when they get too close.

Do you only have chemistry with girls who are unstable and hot and cold Perhaps it’s not chemistry, but an attraction of deprivation – when you’re recreating a familiar scenario in your adult life to mirror how you were wounded by your parent as a child. Perhaps you’ve equated the dramatic highs and lows with excitement and passion, when really you’re drawn to familiarity. Once you do some reflection, you will be able to determine what the glaring patterns are, and once you do, you have an opportunity to start healing old wounds so that you can be open to meeting healthier partners.

On a scale of 1-10, how guarded are you? 

It doesn’t matter how rich you are, famous you are, or how beautiful you are – you have a need for the exact same thing we all do – love, connection and acceptance. It’s innate. We crave it, we need it but we’re also deathly afraid of it. When you open up your heart and become vulnerable, there’s potential to get hurt, rejected and disappointed.

So the guard goes up and before you know it, you’ve created a fortress of walls around your heart, making it pretty impossible to have a true connection with someone (and no, a few moments being ‘open’ while high on molly does not count as a genuine, growing connection). Love is not created by small talk, appearing perfect or steamy sex alone. No, that’s what flings are made of. But love? That requires letting your guard down, being open to giving love and receiving love, and being comfortable revealing yourself – your flaws and wounds and scars included.

If you want a relationship that lasts, then you’ve got to take the risk to go deeper. On the periphery it may appear that you have no problem connecting because women desire you and like you, but that doesn’t necessarily equate to truly connecting with someone. The lust and excitement fade and if a deeper connection and bond is not made, then you either lose interest or vice versa. Stop thinking it’s the woman’s fault why you lose interest – if you’re guarded, she never even had a chance.

Stop using the shotgun approach. The shotgun strategy works when you’re trying to get laid, but if you want a relationship, then your’e going to need to change your approach. Hitting on everyone, being the creepy guy that gets all handsy when he’s drunk, flirting with multiple girls within a friend group (we all talk by the way), earning a reputation as a player and continuously acting like one…. these are all tendencies of a guy trying to get laid, not a guy who is serious about building a healthy partnership. Dating multiple women is also a strategy known as hedging – where you don’t really invest in one person, but you have a revolving door of girls. While there’s definitely no harm in getting to know different people, understand that if you’re only investing 20% into five different women, the chances of one of those turning into 100% is UNLIKELY. There’s a point you reach where you make a decision to either go for it, and jump in with two feet, or don’t bother at all. Imagine if you approached your work like this? You’d fail. Do you really believe that putting in mediocre effort is going to result in excellence?

How to win her heart… Ok, now that we’ve spent most of the article on the real issue – the patterns, limiting beliefs and behaviors that are preventing you from really connecting with someone and building a relationship, let’s get to the part you’ve been waiting for. How do you court a woman? And I’m not talking any woman. I’m talking about a woman who knows her worth, who’s emotionally available and mature, and is ready and open to receiving and giving love. If you are ready, and I mean truly ready meaning your intentions meet your actions and patterns of behavior – then this is how you win her heart.

First you need to make space for her. If you’re stringing along a bunch of girls that you know you don’t really like but keep them around to fill up time and satiate your loneliness – you’ve got to close the door. If your head is caught up in the drama of ex-girlfriends or flings, you are not making space for the woman of your dreams to come into your life.

Make a mental commitment to act in ways that get you closer to your relationship goal, and start by removing distractions and the temptations that veer you off your path. Then, go out there and find her. You might not know right away if she’s ‘the one’ – you don’t have to (and that’s a lot of pressure which can freak someone out). But you’ll have a sense of ease with her. You’ll lose track of time when you’re with her because being around her is just so comfortable, light and fun. All you need to know is that you enjoy her company and you’ll feel that you want to see her more. Just go with that.

And once you realize that there’s something there worth exploring. Make a plan to get to know her. Look, if she’s a keeper, she may be used to constantly filtering guys out because so many people want her. She’s picky, as she should be. Be patient with her and build trust. While all the other dudes are busy left-swiping and too scared to really show up, go ahead and be bold. Find out her likes, her dislikes, do your market research and tailor your approach so that you can stand out from the crowd. Talk to her and get to know her many layers. Of course, chemistry cannot be one-sided (otherwise that’s just infatuation/obsession). But if there’s a spark, you can turn that into a flame.

Be intentional with your courtship. You don’t need to rush with intensity, but know the importance and power of momentum. And yes, you’re putting yourself out there, which makes you susceptible for rejection and disappointment, but my god, what is a life worth living if you’re strategy is just to avoid pain? Take a risk and go after her. Make grand gestures. Book that flight. Make that call. Send that message. Surprise her  just because. Think about one thing you can do every day to make her smile – then do it.

Adore her. Make her feel supported and safe. Love her. Then love her some more. And when you finally win her heart, remind yourself that her heart is precious and needs to be tended to with care and adoration on a daily basis.

But here’s the real secret. For your relationship to last and continue building in a meaningful way, you’ve got to realize an important lesson: courtship doesn’t end when you get the girl, that’s actually where it just begins. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Amy is the Chief Heart Healer Renew Breakup Bootcamp.

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