So before you read this, I admit that my boyfriend and I are not the most mature couple. We are both in our mid-twenties. We laugh every single day about farts because, let’s face it, farts are funny in every language! (But that doesn’t mean they’re not also gross.) We make drinking games out of old cartoons we used to watch as kids (Every time Norbert or Daggett lets out an “Eeeeeee!” or some form of “Spoot!”, ya gotta drink! We find humor in some of the most inappropriate online videos/jokes. And though we are both basically gym rats, we still have pizza and beer at least once a week for dinner. We get along extremely well, at least from my perspective, and I wouldn’t trade anything or anyone in the world for what I have with him. And it is because I love him that I deal with the following:
1. Farts. Lots and lots of farts. Small farts, big farts, loud farts that you can hear on a completely different floor of the house, silent yet very, very deadly farts that will make you question if your boyfriend has a few digestive issues going on – IBS, explosive diarrhea, etc. (Seriously, my boyfriend farted in bed the other night, and I thought I might die. He claims that his fart almost made himself gag because it smelled so bad. And I mean this in no offense to anyone, but I had to wonder if really vile, stinky farts were used to gas people during WWII.)
2. After letting such a fart be released in an inappropriate place (i.e. – NOT the bathroom), having your boyfriend try to snuggle up with you to hold you even closer to that disgusting smell in the air before it has a chance to diffuse a little.
3. Your boyfriend may even threaten to Dutch-oven you with one of those deadly, revolting, malicious farts. Be aware, and be cautious at all times, my friends.
4. Also, after such farts, having your boyfriend do everything he can to force you to breathe the smell in and burn your tiny little nose hairs as well as the insides of your lungs. (Whenever I try to hold my breath, my boyfriend relentlessly tickles me until I cannot take it anymore. I try to breathe through my mouth the best I can, but then I feel like I actually taste his farts. So sometimes it is a toss-up between what is actually going to be worse. I can’t say better, because both options really stink… pun intended.)
5. On the subject of tickling, your boyfriend will find all of your ticklish spots and use them to get whatever he wants. Sometimes he will claim that it’s cute. But he really just wants to make you squirm, and listen to the “funny noises” and shrieks that you make in the process of trying to get away. (By the way, if you’re not ticklish, consider yourself lucky.)
6. If you squirm and flail your limbs around a lot like I do while being tickled, prepare to have your boyfriend make you feel bad when you accidentally kick or elbow him in the face, resulting in a black eye. Or knocking him straight in the balls. But remember, that shit is NOT your fault! He could have easily avoided that! How, he may ask? Gee, I don’t know… Maybe by NOT tickling you!
7. He will also “accidentally” tickle you with his beard. (My neck is NEVER, and I mean NEVER safe. I should really invest in turtle-neck sweaters. And the worst part is when we’re “in the moment”, I can’t tell if it tickles more than it feels good / makes me want to jump his bones. FML.)
8. You will inevitably bargain with your boyfriend about the most ridiculous things. Like, “Oh, honey, let me fold your laundry for you. In return, you can just NOT tickle me for the rest of the night.” (Your boyfriend will fall for it every time, unless he is like me and completely OCD about his own laundry. Then you’ll just have to find something else he likes… Like when you order his favorite Chipotle burrito online for him so that when he goes in, he can just walk right up to the register to pick it up and then bask in the deliciousness that is Chipotle. Yummm.)
9. Cleaning up after your boyfriend because he leaves his beard and finger-nail trimmings all over the sink without rinsing them down saying, “It will clog the sink!” Ever heard of Drano, my dear, sweet loved one? Or, better yet, why don’t you use those muscles you’ve been working so hard on at the gym, grab the snake from downstairs, and un-clog the sink yourself! You’ll feel so accomplished and like a manly man when you do!
10. Cleaning up after your boyfriend because he seems to enjoy clipping his toe nails while sitting on the couch so that they fling all over the rug in the living room. Time to get the vacuum out!
11. Having to listen to your boyfriend trash all of your favorite tv shows, even though you know they are trashy yourself. So what?! Every girl likes a little drama in her life. And for girls like me, watching trashy tv is about as close as you can get to snarky, insulting, sexual comments to people you don’t like, or getting into ratchety fights with your S.O., BFF, etc. Besides, it’s not like all of his favorite shows are all that great either.
12. Listening to your boyfriend complain about how you stole all of the covers last night. Umm… No. I think you gave those blankets to me because you could see how cold I was. And since you love me so much, you just handed them over and went right to sleep!
13. Just remembered another fart moment! When your boyfriend farts while you’re in the shower…
14. Oh, and when your boyfriend tells you that he, in fact, did not fart when you know he did. That noise was “just the springs” on the bed, or “the door creaking”, etc.
15. Dealing with your boyfriend calling you a “fatty” while you’re on your period because you’re bloated, and craving chocolate, and still wearing the sweatpants from last night, and emotional, and feeling like all hell has broken loose, and thinking that maybe the American Red Cross should just open up a blood bank between your legs. (Seriously though, how have they not found a way to filter all of that yet? There would never be a blood shortage again! Still gross, I know.)
16. Your boyfriend will greatly enjoy scaring the shit out of you – jumping out from unexpected places, making you watch the scariest movies ever, finding ways to re-enact moments from the scariest movies ever in your own home, etc. “I’m going to make masks like they did in The Strangers and leave one laying down somewhere just visible enough for you to see and then record your reaction as you pee your pants.” Can’t wait!… Please note the sarcasm.
17. Knowing that you and your boyfriend will inevitably have a prank war that may never end because you will each be trying to constantly one-up each other. “What would you do if I poured icy water on you while you were taking a hot shower?”
18. Walking into the bathroom early in the morning to find that your boyfriend didn’t flush the toilet when he got up to go in the middle of the night. (Every night at 2 or 4 AM.)
19. Having your boyfriend wipe his body-wash on you while in the shower so that you end up smelling like a boy the rest of the day. This also applies to being sprayed with cologne in your own home or at any store in the mall with several perfume/cologne kiosks/samples. (One day, you WILL smell like sweet pea, and it will be sweet, sweet revenge for me!)
20. Dealing with your boyfriend antagonizing you about the ONE time you let one rip in front of him, and how it was “so loud” or “smelled so bad” when you both know that his are much, much worse, and happen multiple times a day in front of you.
My boyfriend may not always be the perfect gentleman. And, yes, many of these things can be disgusting or annoying at times. But I “deal with” all of these things because I know that they are simply minor. And most of the time, they are funny… Well, maybe after a few hours or days have passed depending on the situation. But regardless, I know that it is these things that make up a good portion of my relationship. I love that we can laugh at ourselves because if we couldn’t, then we wouldn’t deserve to laugh at anyone else. And what could be better than laughing at and with the person you love most?