I Don’t Know How To Heal

I honestly do not know to heal. I lost my way. I know I cannot keep going on like this. All I know is that somewhere down the line, some incidents must have hit me hard. I am not even sure what broke me or what can mend me which is also part of a painful realization. I wish I knew the magic formula of how to take care of myself and eventually heal myself. It feels as if I was walking in a field of roses and now I am walking on shattered glass.

And the thing is, I always feel guilty for it. I feel guilty for not knowing how to fix myself, for not laughing like I used to, for not opening my heart like I used to. I used to do it so well. I used to welcome the world with such open arms. I wish I knew how to regain what I was so skillful at. I wish I regained my lively and playful soul.

My pain always creeps up and is deep-seated. It’s the kind of sadness that wears you and sleeps and wakes up with you every night and morning. The intensity and consistency of it shocks me and those around me and I cannot accept it yet because it is making me so far away from who I would like to be. It is paralyzing me. It is wanting to feel light but feeling as heavy as the ocean. It is wanting to run but barely managing to walk.

Others try to help me, they try to guide me but it breaks my heart to see them spend their energy and their love with no positive result. I know it is my job to take care of myself. It is my job to heal and trace all the places where it hurts and replace them with a warm blanket. It is my responsibility to see where my feelings were neglected and acknowledge and validate them. It is my duty to change my perception and accept my experiences as part of my journey in this life without feeding them negative emotions and grudges. It is finally time to purify my heart from all the impurities glued to it. It is time to fly.

Although, I don’t know how I am going to reach there. I am going to start by believing. I am going to believe that beautiful moments are ahead of me. I am going to believe in the other side of pain; how inevitable it is and how it can transform us into the most powerful humans. I am going to believe I can heal.

And, it all starts with a conscious decision to do it. I am going to choose to let my heart mend and not drown in chaos. I am going to give myself space, acceptance, love and no certain timeline to do it because I am hoping for a better tomorrow, a tomorrow that I have to get ready for in order to fully enjoy.