Fashion, And 4 Other Reasons You Shouldn’t Procreate

Paxson Woelber
Paxson Woelber

I do not have enough hours in my day to recount all of the times someone has said the phrase “when you have kids” to me. I don’t plan to have children, and am sick of explaining why I don’t want to. Here are some reasons why you should take the childless path yourself.

1. Huge Vaginas

You heard me right. Sex won’t be as good for anyone after there has been a child pushed out of your hoo-ha. Wonder why married men with kids cheat so often? Giant vaginas. Sex is just not fun for them when you might as well be a black hole. Want good sex for more than a few years of your life? No kids. 

2. Social Life

Do you want to have friends that talk about things other than their children? Do you want to have friends at all? I can count off on my hands each of my friends, and when we lost touch. The common denominator: children. If you are willing to give up all non-child-centered social interaction for at least 18 years, be my guest. I honestly cannot understand why someone would do that. You would essentially be SACRIFICING YOUR LIFE for someone you do not know. If that is your thing, why don’t you go to the hospital and donate an organ, just for giggles?

3. Overpopulation

Plain and simple, people. There are enough of us. There are actually too many. Every year there is less land available for living, growing food, and harvesting edibles from the wild. There is also less clean water. Can you really live with knowing that you will one day have to look into the eyes of someone you have given up your life for and say “I knew the world was incredibly messed up, but I was selfish enough to want you anyhow.”

4. Random Crap Everywhere

You know you have been to a house of someone with kids. They are “functional,” which, let’s be honest, means ugly. Rounded corners everywhere, cabinets that are impossible to open…and sticky SOMETHING on every surface. You think your kid will be glamorous and awesome? Nope, not possible. Say goodbye to style of any sort. 

5. Allergies

With rates of allergies skyrocketing around the world, do you really want to take the chance? Allergies are extremely expensive and stressful things to have in our lives. Say goodbye to peanut butter, this might be the last PB&J you enjoy for 18 years. You know your awesome cat/dog that has stuck by you through thick and thin? If your kid ends up being allergic, say goodbye to Fido. Your dog/cat won’t understand, but the world does not give you an option to drop the stranger that destroyed your vagina, relationship, life, and home. So, good luck! TC mark

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