2013, I’ll miss ya. It has been one helluva ride and here’s to hoping that 2014 is even better. Thanks for the memories and the lessons. In no particular order, the things I learned in 2013:
1. If you are a girl, the best way to make a buck off of your 15 minutes of fame is to sign a deal with Vivid Entertainment
From Teen Mom Farrah Abraham to Carlos Danger’s sexting partner Sydney Leathers, I think we’ve all learned that there is no better way to cash in on the fact that you’ve been featured on the front page of TMZ a few times than to star in your very own sex tape and release it with the professionals at Vivid Entertainment. Plus, if you’re a big enough star you can have “Superstar” added to your name – see Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom and the classic Kim K Superstar.
2. Edward Snowden kind of reminds me of every liberal arts TA I have ever had
Personally, I see the validation for both praise and hate of him, yadda, yadda, yadda. More importantly, I have noticed that Snowden kind of looks like every single liberal arts TA I’ve ever had who thinks he is destined for something bigger in life because he wrote his senior thesis on how Nelson Mandela’s fight against South African Apartheid relates to his fight to rock white boy dreads in suburban America.
3. People actually think Terry Richardson is an amazing photographer
Perversion and absolute creepiness aside, why do people still continue to work with Terry Richardson? I’m sorry but I am pretty sure anyone could do what he does. All you need is a white background wall, a few huge lights, and maybe some Vaseline or something that really brings out every pore on a person’s face (see Obama’s Terry Richardson photo).
4. Growing Pains is indirectly the cause of all of our problems
Example one: Alan Thicke. Alan spawned Robin Thicke. Robin Thicke has a son named Julian Fuego. This explains so much.
Example two: It introduced us to Leonardo DiCaprio. The pain of him not winning an Oscar is truly the reason we cannot have nice things – because Leo can’t have nice things.
Example three: The only relevant thing about Kirk Cameron is Growing Pains – oh wait, what did you say? Growing Pains got cancelled in 1992? Well then I have no idea why KC is even allowed to be on a daytime talk show.
4. You can get away with pretty much anything if you’re a successful athlete, except for being a shitty athlete, but sometimes you can get away with that too
From the 2013 Jameis Winston case to the 2009 and 2010 Ben Roethlisberger cases, we continue to make it clear that we can forgive athletes if they allegedly rape women, but only if they are also good at football. On a somewhat related note, if you’re bad at football, regardless if you’ve ever raped a girl, we reserve the right to mock you and cheer on your downward spiral into obscurity (*cough* Tim Tebow *cough*). But even then we might just let you get away with being less than mediocre – see Christian Ponder.
5. New words like “Benghazi” and “Twerk”
They just sound so “urban” – that’s still a thing, right?
6. Disney Channel stars age like everyone else
Recent examples include Miley Cyrus in everything she has done in 2013, Dylan Sprouse (better known as the fat twin a.k.a Zack of Zack and Cody) sexting someone, Selena Gomez releasing “Come and Get It” and writhing around in sexy dresses, etc. I am expecting big things from you in 2014, Cory from Cory in the House.
7. I still don’t fully understand healthcare in this country
There is a website that wasn’t working… Something about Obamacare… Uh… I still get healthcare from my parents’ plan so that’s all that really matters to me.
8. Everyone is a model
It’s kind of the new “I’m in a band.” Either go onto Model Mayhem and randomly search for the name of your neighbor’s son’s best friend’s girlfriend and you’ll probably find her there, albeit with the moniker “Kaylee Rouge,” or literally just type in the name of a famous person’s child or younger sibling on Google (Tom Selleck’s daughter, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s son, Nicole Richie’s little sister, etc.)
9. Forget Spanish. If you want to succeed in life, you must be able to talk Emoji
*I just explained the entire plot of ET
10. Documentaries make me feel things
Yes, even within the deep hollows of my heart, I have learned how to feel. Obviously not from human interaction, but from the interaction of me logging onto Netflix and streaming documentaries like Blackfish. Duh.