If you’re anything like me, you don’t need an excuse to masturbate, because let’s face it – it’s the most fun you can have with one hand (or two).
I was an early adopter. As a teenager I masturbated when I got home from school, at 4.30pm sharp. To this day, I’m still freakishly horny at that hour – conditioning is real…
Making yourself orgasm is like conjuring a magic trick between your thighs. It’s a one-stop ticket to bliss-ville – waiting in your underpants.
Here are 11 scenarios where self-pleasure is most definitely the way to go:
You can’t have sex.
You’re meeting up with someone who turns you on, but you don’t want to get jiggy with them. Maybe you’re trying out delayed gratification. Maybe you’re meeting your hot ex, or your friend’s hot ex, or your sexy colleague, or your even sexier boss, and sleeping with them would be the mistake of the century. Or maybe you’re on your period and don’t want to create a horror movie in the bedroom.
The sure-fire way to ensure you’re focused on their convo, and not their crotch, is to water the tulips before you leave home.
You’re stressed out.
Save hundreds on meditation classes and slip into a self-induced orgasmic trance. Masturbation clears your mind, grounds you and regulates your breathing – not to mention the muscle relaxation and endorphins released from your big O.
Feel the love: OOOOohhhm.
You’re bored at work.
Nothing says ‘you don’t own me job’ like a finger bang in the office bathroom. Remember to take headphones if you like your porn with sound – and lock the door.
You return to your desk, smug as a cat because no one knows you’ve been double clicking your mouse in the ladies.
You didn’t finish.
You just had sex, but he didn’t get you over the line, and now you have blue clit.
Either wait till he’s in the shower or start playing with yourself in front of him to send a not so subtle ‘try harder next time’ message.
You’re in pain.
Otherwise known as masturbation medicine, checking your pulse down under cures a bunch of ailments: from headaches to tummy aches to heartaches.
Pleasure trumps pain.
You can’t focus.
You’ve got a presentation to write, but your head is between last night’s Bachelor episode and Sunday’s brunch menu. A run would help, but you don’t have the energy.
Procrasturbation is the answer. Flick yourself into high productivity.
You want a glow.
It’s no coincidence that NARS’ best-selling blush shade is ‘Orgasm’.
You need a nap.
You’ve got strong Friday night plans, but are losing steam, and sleep is not an option.
There’s only one other way to re-charge those batteries: a booty call with yourself provides the perfect reboot.
You’re doing research.
Whoever you’re sleeping with isn’t pressing your love buttons, yet you can’t remember when or how you last got yourself off.
Sign up for some solo late night study. It won’t take long to remember your favorite moves, or better still – learn new ones.
You’ve lost touch.
Every couple of weeks, book a check in with your lady parts. Is she getting enough? How’s her hair? How does she feel – in every sense of the word?
Don’t depart without giving her some TLC (tickling la clit).
You have a spare 10 minutes.
Got something better to do? Didn’t think so.