This Time, I Chose Me

I finally chose me. I finally stuck by my feelings and although I tried to get you to understand, it became more apparent that my feelings never mattered to you. You would hurt me again.

I finally realize that you aren’t who you say you are. You aren’t working on yourself. You aren’t this “better person” and you aren’t any different than you were the first time we traveled this road.

I finally realize you aren’t the person that I fell for. You are no longer the person who is proud of me, comforts me after a hard day, listens to my stories or laughs at my silly quirks. You are manipulative, you are that cold-hearted fuckboy sending mixed messages constantly giving a good girl a reason to doubt herself.

I finally chose to stop trusting you. This you have yourself thank for. I stopped trusting you after all the lies and anxieties that I tried to let go for so long, became relevant truths.

You are no longer worthy of my trust and understanding.

You are no longer worthy of any of my remarkable qualities, you once listed yourself, that I have to offer. You are no longer worthy of me.

Maybe you are afraid. Maybe you push the ones you love away to make stupid decisions in the now.

Maybe you’re not ready for love. Maybe you don’t know how to be settled down. Maybe you don’t know how to be liked without being the life of the party. Maybe you lost yourself in it all.

All I can think now is how quickly you spiraled into the old you, how you remembered how good it felt to be liked as the single and free, life of the party and left behind the person that I fell for.

I could drown myself in the “maybes” and “what if’s” but it won’t feed my soul. What I know now is I’m stronger than I was the last time and even though I feel like a fireball pummeled through my heart, it’s time to let you go. I know that I won’t stop caring about you right away and I’m still worried as hell for you, but in time I will let your memory wash away.