credit: Amber Tozer
credit: Amber Tozer


I write a beauty blog and I’m looking for a new writing partner. My ex-partner Susan, refuses to work with me. She even took down our beauty blog and changed the password! I don’t have any access to all the great stuff we wrote about beauty and fashion. I’m so mad, we had like 30 people following it. Ok, more like 24 because 6 of them were fake accounts I created to get our numbers up.

Anyway, Susan aka miss goody two-shoes says that a few of our fans took our advice and ended up burning their skin and one woman’s husband divorced her. I thought this was great, we’re causing people to deal with life’s little challenges and once their situations are in retrospect, they’ll be better, stronger people. But, Susan, who I used to think was cool and smart, is selling out. She got hired to run some Twitter account that promotes lipgloss and said she never wants to talk to me again. GOOD RIDDANCE! Here’s a lipgloss tweet for you, Susan.

No matter how shiny your lips are there is always gonna be a girl out there who is prettier than you are.

BOOM. That one is free, Susan. If I write anymore, I’ll invoice you.

I think the beauty industry is so polarizing, plastic, and pooey. I tried to think of a better “p” word but couldn’t do it. All the beauty blogs say the same thing, “Moisturize your skin, wash your hair, wear clothes that cover up your fat” I’m like FUCK YOU BEAUTY AND FASHION PEOPLE. Humans are animals, we’re supposed to be a little dirty and gross. The more pressure you keep putting on people to be beautiful the more we are going to stray from our natural state of existence. It’s like we all walk around pretending like we don’t shoot poop out of our butts everyday. And, sometimes we throw up and if you look closely in our ears it’s so scary.

It’s not like I want people to look and smell like shit, I want people who look and smell like shit to know how to handle it. I’m not like a hipster who wears gross clothes and is like, “Look how confident I am wearing gross clothes” it’s more like “I don’t have any confidence, I wear gross clothes, my make up looks like whoever put it on was in the middle of a stroke, but hey – I know how to do deal with it.”

I refuse to give up on my beauty beliefs and am looking for someone who is likeminded, with a cutting edge and no nonsense sense of style. Please leave your ideas in the comment section. If I like you, I’ll be in touch. If you post something stupid, I’m gonna be so mad.

Below are some examples of my fashion and beauty tips to give you a sense of my style.

-If you are wearing a shitty outfit just wear a long black coat over it.

-Spit on your finger and wipe under your eyes until the eyeliner smudge is gone. If you make it worse just go home.

-If you need something cute to wear and all of your favorite clothes are dirty just cancel your plans.

-When all else fails, wear that one shirt you think is fancy but everyone else says is casual and those pants with the stain you can hide by standing weird.

-If your skin is flaking off your face and your hair is greasy sit next to someone who has the same skin type as you so you can suffer together.

-If your face is blotchy and bloated you probably drink too much you should either quit drinking or get drunk and worry about it tomorrow.

-If you’re ever on that What Not to Wear show and they tell you to not wear something yell FUCK YOU and wear it anyway.

-If you have dirty fingernails bite them so short no dirt can get under there.

-If you get toothpaste on your shirt just yell GODDAMMIT and keep wearing that shirt otherwise you’ll have to change it.

-If your outfit is ugly rub rubbing alcohol in your eyes then look at it with blurred burning eyes maybe it’ll look cuter.

-Check to see who RSVP’d to the party so you know if it’s worth taking a shower or not.

-Beauty tip: There are a lot of desperate people who will have sex with you so don’t worry about it too much.

-Beauty secret: There’s always gonna be a few people out there who think you’re ugly.

You get the picture. I really hope I find someone to collaborate with. I’m pretty sure Susan will realize that she made a mistake and come crawling back to me. She’ll probably be like, “Um. No one ever RTs any of my lipgloss tweets and all the girls in the office always look to see what kind of shoes I’m wearing.” I’ll be like, “Yeah, and now you’re part of the problem.” Then I’ll show her our new blog and she’ll probably tell her therapist about it or something.

Anyway, looking forward to your suggestions. Thanks! Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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Amber is a stand up comic, writer, and actress. She has built a Twitter following of over 40k users, and her tweets have been featured on shows such as Jimmy Fallon and Ellen, among others. She co-created #nitTWITS, a Twitter-based web series, which features writers and performers from SNL, Modern Family, The Office, and Conan. Amber has written for Cartoon Network’s animated sketch series MAD, and Adult Swim’s Moral Orel. Tozer has also made appearances on Last Comic Standing, and in the Montreal Just for Laughs Festival. She sold her animated series “The Tozer Show” to FOX ADHD and was recently at the prestigious 2014 Bridgetown Comedy Festival in Portland and will be featured at the High Plains Comedy Festival in Colorado this summer.

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