10 Truly Emotional Sex Positions

Illustration by Claire Wildman
Illustration by Claire Wildman

There are a lot of physical sex positions we know about — ya know, put your leg here, put two fingers there, shove this there — enough already! I think it’s time to explore our emotions during sex and laugh about it.

Below is a list of emotional positions I’ve pulled from my own experiences and talking with my slutty friends.

1. The “I think I’m in love with you, this feels so right. You’re perfect. Oh My God (has an orgasm) Ok forget everything I said I gotta go, bye” position.

This is the classic feeling of being with someone who is good in bed, but that’s all they have to offer. You’ll most likely say that you’ll never see them again, but since the sex is good you’ll probably go back until you fall in love with someone who is both good in bed and can have an adult conversation.

2. The “I don’t know what’s happening, but I think it’s ok” position.

This is where you really can’t believe what is happening to your body, but you just let it happen. Maybe you’ll try it again, maybe you won’t, but in that moment – you might question your morals and pray your lover never tells anyone what you two did together.

3. The “When I tell my friends that I slept with you, they will think less of me.”

This one is mostly for girls. When we go slumming and confess to our friends, sometimes we’ll get a disapproving nod and we deserve it. True friends will stick around no matter how many douchebags you sleep with and their honesty might be what helps you raise your standards.

4. The “Let’s masturbate on opposite sides of the room and scream because we haven’t tried that yet.”

This is for people who have been together for awhile and keep having the same type of sex. You’re bored and want to try something new. Watching each other scream and masturbate might add another level of love to your relationship.

5. The “You’re stable, rich, nice to your mother and would make a good spouse but I’m going to sabotage this right after you cum so hurry up.”

This one happens when you’re with a nice, stable person. You really want to be attracted to them, so you have sex with them to see if you are and you feel like you’re doing it with someone who learned to have sex by reading a book. They’re boring, predictable, and probably REALLY into you. GROSS.

6. The “I’m only doing this because I had an unstable childhood and have no blueprint of what a healthy relationship looks like. When we are finished I will cry on the way home.”

This is when you’re stuck in an unhealthy relationship, only because you’re not quite over whatever fucked you up in the first place. You really don’t know how a healthy relationship works, so when you’re sleeping with someone who triggers the same fears you had a child, you will weep before, after, and sometimes during sex.

7. The “I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life but this is ridiculous. Hurry up.”

This is where you have no feelings whatsoever for the person but you’re just having sex because it’s there. You thought it might be fun, but you realized right away that it was a bad idea and just want it to be over with. You might even have to say halfway through, “I’m sorry. I can’t do this” – like you’re in a Lifetime movie and you’re playing a character who is married and just can’t go through with the affair.

8. The “I love this so much, I can’t believe how good this feels – I know you’re a loser but that’s ok.”

This is when you’re having really good sex with a loser. A kind loser. One of those people who you try to fix, but can’t. And, since they’re so good in bed you try to forget that they don’t have a bedframe and their score on a videogame is higher than their yearly income.

9. The “I wonder if I paid my cable bill, I hope I did. Oh shit I need to go to the store and buy some blueberries because I want to make smoothies in the morning. I love smoothies so much.”

This happens when you’re bored in bed. If the person has been on top of you doing the same type of motion for more than a minute, you’d rather think about your to-do list than pay attention to the lack luster love making you’re experiencing. This is fine, it’s actually productive. The sex is so bad, it inspires you to get all your errands done.

10. The “I love you. Like really, really love you. I am so lucky to be with you and I hope we spend the rest of our lives together.”

This one is a rare one, but when it happens its magical. Odds are it will lead to a breakup or divorce, BUT in that moment, it’s pure joy. Enjoy it! Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Amber is a stand up comic, writer, and actress. She has built a Twitter following of over 40k users, and her tweets have been featured on shows such as Jimmy Fallon and Ellen, among others. She co-created #nitTWITS, a Twitter-based web series, which features writers and performers from SNL, Modern Family, The Office, and Conan. Amber has written for Cartoon Network’s animated sketch series MAD, and Adult Swim’s Moral Orel. Tozer has also made appearances on Last Comic Standing, and in the Montreal Just for Laughs Festival. She sold her animated series “The Tozer Show” to FOX ADHD and was recently at the prestigious 2014 Bridgetown Comedy Festival in Portland and will be featured at the High Plains Comedy Festival in Colorado this summer.

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