A Trillion Things To Not Do On The Dance Floor

J/k there are only 10 things to not do on the dance floor.

1. DO NOT masturbate. Not unless its part of a line dance or something. Otherwise, keep your hands and your sex toys where everyone can see them. It’s not fair that you get to have sex with yourself while everyone else is working real hard on their moves. Just wait until you’re in a cab or an Uber on your way home then it’s ok to pleasure yourself. If the driver gets upset, tell him or her you’ll make it quick. If the driver likes it, congratulations.

2. DO NOT start crying. Well, I guess it’s ok to cry if you are having so much fun and you just can’t stand it. If euphoria takes over while you’re twerking and tears start to fall to the ground, that’s fine. But, if you’re crying because you can’t dance, or because no one will dance with you, or because your life sucks – YOU BETTER GO HOME YOU SWEET, SENSITIVE BABY. It’s not nice to put your friends in a position where they have to stop their moving and grooving to be like, “Hey, are you ok?” Just be upfront about it and tell them you are emotionally unstable and you’re going to go home to overeat and you’ll talk to them tomorrow.

3. DO NOT try to have a conversation with people who are dancing. Dancers on the dance floor are there for one reason and one reason only, well maybe two reasons. The first reason is to let their soul engage with the rhythm the second is to find someone to get naked with and possible get married to, but probably not because most relationships fail, especially those that start at a bar or a club. Anyways, save your yackin’ for brunch or a road trip. If you do coke go to the bathroom to see if anyone else is doing coke, then talk to them about things in a really fast cadence, then wake up in the morning and hate yourself for talking about that stuff.

4. DO NOT take selfies on the dance floor. There should be a selfie security guard at clubs and every time someone takes a selfie, the selfie security guard takes their phone away and throws it really hard agains the nearest wall. The dance floor is all about the moment, it’s not a place for your own personal photo shoot. There’s nothing worse than someone who has to take a fun moment and use it as a way to get attention on social media. LET THAT MOMENT LIVE AND DIE ON THE DANCE FLOOR.

5. DO NOT force eye contact. There’s nothing worse than looking up on the dance floor to see someone staring at you with a face that says, “Look back at me right now. Let’s pretend we’re soul mates. We are dancing to the same song at the same time and I need you to look at me.” If it happens naturally, fine. Stare at each other until the break of dawn, but do not expect someone to lock eyes with you just because you want to. This is a thing that has to happen naturally, like a kiss or a sneeze.

6. DO NOT assume you’re a better dancer than everyone. Even if you are a superior groove monster, don’t force everyone to make a circle then dance in the middle of the circle. We get it, you’ve got moves. But, if you want to take up space and get attention, try out for America’s Got Talent or You Think You Can Dance or Hey, Look At Me, Look At Me. I just made that last show up! Maybe it’ll be a show someday where needy people give it all they’ve got in front of a very kind audience who claps and whistles no matter what.

7. DO NOT NOT DANCE BECAUSE YOU ARE A BAD DANCER. The best dancers in the world are the one who have no rhythm and who do not care about not having rhythm. These people are full of wisdom, light, and love and can teach the world a valuable lesson with their confidence in being a bad dancer.

8. DO NOT shit your pants. If you shit your pants everyone will smell it but, even worse, your dance moves will be severely affected. You can’t move freely with a load of poo in your underwear. The best you could do is probably rock side to side and maybe throw in a few shoulder shimmies here and there. But, no one wants to cut a rug next to someone with an active upper body and a shit smothered lowered body. So, let me remind you again – DO NOT SHIT YOUR PANTS ON THE DANCE FLOOR. DO IT SOMEWHERE ELSE.

9. DO NOT hold your drink up in the air and try to dance. Either stand on the side of the dance floor and drink, or dance on the dance floor. Do not combine the two. You can not give it your all while you’re holding up a drink, and it sort of makes it seem like it’s a crutch – you want to be dancing, but since you have a drink you can’t. It’s like, “Hey, don’t judge me for not really dancing, because I’m holding a drink.” PUT THAT DRINK DOWN AND SHAKE YOUR ASS FROM LEFT TO RIGHT AND THEN JUMP UP IN THE AIR AND LAND IN THE SPLITS.

10. DO NOT grind on a girl unless she initiates it. If she initiates it, she is still probably not that into it, so don’t dig your dick into her back. There’s a sweet way to grind, ya know just rub against each other until you get so horny you decide to go home together and when you wake up in the morning you’ll realize that the only thing you have in common is getting horny on the dance floor.