God is dead. (Technically.) I’m sorry. (Kind of.) I’m especially sorry if you are my mother and are reading this right now. If it’s you, please close your browser. If you’re not my mother, continue at your own risk. Here is how I know that God is dead. If God were alive I feel like he would be super awesome and human-like. I picture him roaming the earth and living in like SoHo or whatever. Having brunch on the weekends with his hip friends. Wearing skinny jeans. Giving out $100 bills to random strangers on Fridays. Buying rounds for people at the bar. Just an overall good ass person. Also, if God were alive I highly doubt he would let these following tragic events happen to all of us lovely earth dwellers. I’m almost certain of it!
1. Coffee too hot to drink
You just brewed the most amazing cup of coffee, and you need it in your body asap. You take a sip and ahhh! It’s 1,000 degrees and now your whole mouth is burned and ruined, and what’s the point of even living anymore!? If God were alive he’d be the all-knowing Starbucks barista and all coffee would be the perfect warmth for immediate consumption. Trust me.
2. A sexual partner no longer wants to have sex with you for no apparent reason
What? How low have you dropped on the spectrum of sex things that someone doesn’t even want to use you for sex anymore? Is this what rock bottom is? Dear God, what have we done to deserve this? And don’t start with that Adam and Eve bullshit because we are not Adam and Eve, and why does their situation even affect our lives? It was too long ago. Can we forget about it already?
3. When you run out of toilet paper while sitting on the toilet.
Why, God? Why right now in this very moment? Why couldn’t there be just five more squares on this roll? You turned water into wine. Can’t you also turn this cardboard roll into more toilet paper!? What kind of a vengeful God would do this!?
4. When a bird shits mid-flight and it lands on you.
Are you thinking what I’m thinking? A God who would let this happen? What a total butthole, right? I understand that it’s natural for birds to just shit whenever and wherever they want, but that’s why there is an entire earth covered in concrete and grass and shit for birds to defecate on, not a human! Not even the worst human deserves to be shat on by a bird. (Maybe. I could probably think of someone..)
5. Bathroom urges when you’re NOWHERE near a bathroom.
The pain and agony! Honestly one of the worst sensations someone can feel. What kind of bullshit is this? If God were alive wouldn’t he perfectly sync our bodily actions with like, I don’t know, the sight of a toilet? That would be so rad!