1. You have $20 in your bank account
That might be all you have in your account, but instead of crying over it just buy yourself a pizza and enjoy. You might not think this is a smart idea, and you’re right. It’s not. But I have done this a million times and have never regretted it. I go to sleep and wake up with $.67 and a smile on my face because there’s leftover pizza for breakfast.
2. Your ex is sleeping with/dating/marrying someone who is not you
You’re probably pretty upset about this, unless you’re either a very strong person or a heartless bastard. But there is no need to be upset because pizza is here, and it is here to stay. It only takes up a small portion of your freezer and doesn’t leave dirty clothes around the apartment, so it’s already way better than a significant other. Sure, you have to buy its love, but it is totally worth it. Whoever said you can’t buy love obviously never had a serious relationship with pizza, which is very sad.
3. You are sleeping with/dating/marrying my ex
You need to order a pizza, trust me. You need something to take your mind off of the fact that you’re sleeping with/dating/marrying a huge douchebag. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. (This is a warning.) Just think of me as a trial. I tried them out for you, and they didn’t work. Return them, but not to me. Return them to their mothers and then enjoy the shit out of that pizza because you just became #2 on this list.
4. You are happily in love with someone who is not my ex
Your life is perfect and you have no complaints. Sit back and relax on that $800 almost comfortable IKEA couch with your perfect lover and chow down on a large probably vegetarian pizza pie. Maybe even eat a dessert pizza, too. Eat it while watching something romantic, something starring Jennifer Aniston and a hunk.
5.You just moved back home
First off, this is just so depressing that you will need at least five pizzas. Binge and don’t look back. Look forward to tomorrow’s leftovers or new pizzas, depending on how depressed you are. I am currently living at home, and the way I get by is by following this schedule: Wake up, pizza, Netflix, pizza, pizza, sleep. There is nothing else to do. There is nothing else worth doing, in my opinion, except maybe getting a job and getting the fuck out of there ASAP.
6. You’re hungry.
Need I explain?