I haven’t tried to raise a human (thank god) because it probably wouldn’t survive, but I’m currently trying to raise a puppy who is, at this very moment, crawling into my lap with a half-chewed bone that looks like a mutilated sex toy. It’s quite disgusting, but I love it. She’s way too big to be sitting in my lap, but I’ll let it slide because for once she’s not using my arm as a chew toy. To be honest, I’d probably let her sit up here even if she were chewing on my body. And that scares me. Is this what love is? I’d love to deny the fact that I’m crazy obsessed with dogs, but I can’t hide it anymore. I’m coming out. I AM A CRAZY DOG OWNER. So, sorry if you don’t agree with how cute my dog is. Here is a photo anyway, just incase you decide to cross over into the dark side of #dogsofinstagram and constant drool.
Yoshimi, owner of my Instagram account:
1. Dog Facebook pages
Your dog probably doesn’t do anything out of the norm, but you feel that he/she should have a page dedicated to him/herself. Everyone needs to know that Sparky pooped on the floor this morning. My dog does that all of the time, and it’s not impressive or interesting or even unexpected, but sometimes I tweet about it. Let’s all stop doing this, please. Unless your dog took that poop and sculpted it into a mid-century sculpture then by all means please give us this jaw-dropping information and an accompanying photo.
2. You look through BOO’s Facebook page daily.
Even though most of the photos look the same, you still scroll through it for hours each day because it’s the cutest thing you’ve ever seen. How is BOO a real, living creature? Looking through the photos makes your heart melt. You dream about cuddling with him. Your dog approaches you, but you’re like, “Get away. I’m busy looking at a cuter dog.”
3. Your social media is 75% dog updates.
Your Instagram looks like a Sarah McLachlan commercial. It makes people weep for dogs they don’t even know. Most of your updates are weird things you caught your dog eating or doing. Every other photo is of your dog sitting on the couch, not really doing anything important. Each time your dog shifts into a different position you are there to document it and share it with the entire world. I’m guilty of this, and it annoys me that I do it, but I can’t stop. It’s like I’m possessed by my dog’s dumb, cute face. Blame her.
4. Your dog pops into conversation too often.
While your friends are talking about how much fun they had last weekend, all you have to share is that you and your dog cuddled and watched an entire series of something on Netflix. And the bad thing about this is that you aren’t even embarrassed by it. It’s relaxing and you’re going to do it again next weekend. You also forget that dating is a thing because you’re content with repeating Doggy-Netflix weekend for the rest of your life.
5. You’re not really mad even when you’re mad.
Almost daily you catch yourself yelling at your dog because it has screwed something up, and you’ll start with something good like, “I hate you, you idiot!” and then unconsciously your tone shifts and you catch yourself saying, “Oh, I love you. Come here, let me pet you!” Now you’re mad at yourself because you can’t get mad at the dog that just ate $200 worth of shoes.
6. You make pit stops to pet dogs.
You’re late for work, but as you run past a coffee shop there’s a cute little pooch tied to a pole, and you have to stop and pet it.
7. You’re poor but you give money to every dog organization ever.
You’re applying for new credit cards because all of your others are maxed out to BarkBox and Petco. You give your rent money to shelters because dogs need a warm place to stay, too. You’ve got a spare bedroom full of dog food and you don’t even own a dog. It’s for the strays you find while you’re out roaming the streets looking for stray dogs to feed.
8. You adopt every dog ever.
You adopt every dog you see on a shelter’s Facebook page, and before you know it you have become the shelter.
9. Your ringtone is a dog’s bark.
Your phone goes off in the market. Everyone looks around expecting to find a Shuh Tzu roaming the aisles, but it’s just you.
10. You sleep in one small corner of the bed while your dog sprawls out in the other 3 quadrants.
Your dog probably has a nicer duvet cover than you, too.