Let’s all be honest for one or two seconds here: BREAKUPS ARE A JOKE. Maybe not at first, but once you’re over the mental breakdowns it’s pretty funny to go back and be like, “Haha, can you believe he said thinking of me gave him boners? How can you even have multiple boners?”
Some types of breakups you might have:
1. The “You cheated on me.”
That’s pretty much it. You decided to put your genitals in or around another person’s without my consent, and now you’re dead to me. I’m actually feeling pretty good about myself because you just surpassed any amount of asshole I could ever dream to be. I can’t even be mad. I can only think of shooting dildos up your butt for fun.
2. The “Were we ever dating?”
I don’t know. You probably don’t know either. We haven’t talked in a while, so this is probably over. If you drunk text me I’ll know there’s still hope.
3. The “You have a family now.”
My family still consists of the four people I grew up around and has not expanded at all on my end. I would assume that we have zero things in common now and our conversation would go something like this:
“How are the kids? Oh really, that’s great. Oh, my Sims family is doing very well! I should actually go and send them to work so they can buy that vibrating bed. I’m really bored.”
4. The “I led you on.”
It must have been because you love spending unnecessary money on dinner and drinks and movies for people you have no intention of keeping around. I know that personally I’d rather waste my money on myself with personal pizzas and maybe a gym membership that I’d never use, but not you! You’re so generous with your money and feelings. It’s almost as if you have so much of each that you don’t care where any of it ends up.
5. The “I don’t love you anymore.”
I don’t, so I’m not sure what else I should say. Um, can I have my keys back? Oh, and, please don’t murder me in my sleep.
6. The “One Night Stand”
This is the quickest breakup because it is usually done while the other party is still asleep. Goodbye my one night lover, goodbye my one night friend. That is actually a line from my James Blunt “Goodbye My Lover” remix.
7. The “You have big thighs and it weirds me out.”
You aren’t fat, but you want to get “beefed” for the summer. Your thighs are huge. I am approximately 3% of the size of your thighs. If thighs could kill… they would certainly kill me. Also, you want to get even more “beefed”? All of the farms in the world couldn’t produce enough beef for you. It’s outrageous! Please stop.