I Wish I’d Been Worth Getting To Know And Not Left Wondering If You Care

A couple sitting close together on a rooftop watching a golden sunset in Esplanada do Teleférico
Mahkeo / Unsplash

I think deep down I knew we had to stop pretending. You had to give up the mask of lies and deception, and I had to discard the wall I’d built. I went through with my end of the “deal” but you left without a single word, only leaving judgemental thoughts.

What we had wasn’t real, was it? If both characters in our story weren’t honest, then how were any of the conversation we participated inaccurately represented?

I remember the day very vividly, the day I understood how you truly saw me. How my tears weren’t enough for you to feel empathy. Because your mask won’t let you do that, will it? Nothing is ever good enough, no lense is ever correct and I am exhausted from trying, I’m exhausted.

My heart would like to believe you want to know about every aspect of my soul, even if I clash with how you see the world. From the number of sugars I put in my tea (it’s none, by the way), how I listen to Kacey Musgraves when my heart hurts, or even how I deal with the stress life throws towards my direction, you couldn’t care less.

I know you wouldn’t agree, I know the mask you hide behind wouldn’t allow me to continue living the way I do. My tea would be too sweet, the songs she sang would be too melancholy, and my coping mechanisms would be too complicated.

I wish I had felt beautiful and enough in your presence, as though I was good enough for you to bite the bullet and take off that damn mask.

See, the difference between us is clear, I gave up this persona, while you are still living day to day with it because the mask tells you that you need it. I hope you have to deal with the pain of not having my presence surrounding you, I hope it hurts you as much as it does when I remember what we used to be.

I can safely say I would rather not have you than keep up a guard that has drained me emotionally and physically.

If there is ever a day where you have the courage to strip away from this lie, I want to be there… But until then, please leave me to pick up the mess you created. I’m slowly getting there but having your character back in my life would knock down the progress I have made, every day I have spent without your poison would be worthless. I hope you can respect this choice, unlike every other one “awful” one I have made.

I wonder if you think about me to the same extent I hope and think about your well-being. I can’t force you to change, but I hope you soon realize I am worth the real you.

You decided the true side of me wasn’t what you defined as “beautiful.” The side you’ll never see is beautiful, yet she wishes you could come along on her journey, a journey without the mask.

If only you could lift the mask and show your beautiful side as well. TC mark

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