Have you ever been in a relationship where you would stare at yourself directly in the mirror and wonder how in the world you got here? How everything about you had changed and you didn’t recognize the way you acted or the feelings you were experiencing?
It was as though your past self-had has been covered up and made sure you were hidden.
I remember waking up the day after you had explained you felt nothing for me anymore. I thought I would never be able to eat my breakfast without that “good morning” text lighting up my way to the kitchen, not even a cup of coffee could solve the emotions I was experiencing.
I rolled out of bed with the small ounce of strength I had looked into the mirror, and completely burst into tears. Everything I thought I knew about our relationship had been fake, so did that mean what I had become was “fake?” Was it something unchangeable or could I regain who I was before you had waltzed your way into my life?
I recall standing up and wiping off all the mascara that had run down my face, a face I couldn’t connect with or appreciate. My hair was curled because I knew that’s how you liked it, I had slept in the sweater that you always complimented me on, and the mug you gave me for Christmas filled with black coffee stared back at me.
I stood there in shock, nothing was my own, every element I saw was painted with you.
I didn’t miss you, I craved the person I lost so long ago. The girl who hated damaging her hair, who found that sweater too itchy to walk around in, and who put almond milk in her lattes. I thought maybe if I tried to recall the pre-relationship girl I once was, the pain would disappear.
I started doing everything I possibly could to erase every element I had in my room that reminded me of you or the person I had turned into.
To anyone going through a similar situation, I HIGHLY recommend putting everything in a box and leaving it with a friend or family member. Who knows, you may want to look at how far you have come from this relationship one day!
I listened to all the sappy, country love songs I wanted to, I drank almond milk because you thought it was a waste of a good latte, and by golly, I stopped wearing that disgusting, green sweater just because you thought it looked “pretty.” I felt better already because I had started peeling away the person I didn’t want to associate myself with anymore, the person I had become over the course of my three months being surrounded by you.
I found myself again and still continue to find parts you encouraged me to push away, just because they didn’t fit your perfect image.
I realized I didn’t miss you, I missed who I had been before you walked into my life all those years ago.
I hope everyone in this position can re-find themselves, even if it means throwing away that expensive necklace that compliments every outfit you own.