Is there a more eloquent word for empty? I sit here pondering on the synonyms of this word as I stare blankly at my computer screen. To-do tasks flashing, emails unanswered, unread texts stacking up, and it’s taking all of my energy to simply concentrate on the hot, bittersweet taste of my second cup of coffee this morning.
And all…I can feel…is empty.
First, you should know that I love each of you with the entire capacity that my tiny fragile heart can manage. But you are draining me. Please stop draining me. You are pulling me in ways that I cannot make my body contort nor make my mind be in this multitude of places at once. And I understand why.
I am the one you come to for advice. The one you seek out for truth and also understanding. I like to think I have a level head, and I pride myself on my ability to have deep empathy for others. I also pride myself on my loyalty and the love I have for those who love me. My emotions run so deeply, yet I am the one who keeps the calm face.
But you are draining me.
It’s become too much, to focus on everyone else so intently that I feel myself fading. Somehow I’ve let myself evolve into your foundations and the stress has become so much I can feel myself start to buckle and crumble.
Please don’t take this the wrong way, I want to be the one you confide in, but I cannot create the missing piece to your puzzle for you. You have to learn to solve your own riddles.
The weight of your problems that you unleash onto me has morphed into hard heavy stones on both of my shoulders. I can no longer pull all that you put onto me, as well as my own weight.
I close my eyes and imagine I am on a beach, with the waves lapping at my feet. And when I look around, there is no one. Not one soul within a close proximity to me, just the soft warm sand and the gentle caress of the ocean. The silence is so loud that my soul starts to flicker and reignite. The sun sets and rises in rapid movement, days opening and closing within seconds.
As I sit on that beach, in perfect solitude, I am renewed.
But I open my eyes, feel the hot coffee hit the bottom of my stomach, and stare at my computer screen, empty.