Elevators are small, claustrophobic modes of transportation that should be treated as a privilege instead of a right. What should be a simple ride from Point A to Point B can quickly turn into the worst part of your day because people suck. We don’t choose who we ride with, and it would be nice if someone posted guidelines so everyone knows how to play nice in a public setting. We are all guilty of some common decency foible, but I’ve created a list of ten types of elevator riders that really grind my gears.
1. The Latecomer
We’ve already done our part making sure everyone gets a chance to ride this lift. Then we hear you barreling down the hall, but there are three other elevators on this bank. I’m sure at least one will come up for you within no time. Problem is, you don’t seem to agree, so as the doors are shutting for the last time, you manage to nearly sacrifice your hand in the name of prying the door open—with an unnecessary disgruntled frown, no less. We’re not rude people; we just didn’t have to hold the door for you, bro.
2. The Door-Holder
There are other elevators coming. I could say it a hundred times, and it still won’t stop you from jumping on my train and having me wait. Even after the thing starts making that shrill buzz to alert you something has gone terribly awry because the doors HAVENT CLOSED, you continue to chat with someone outside the elevator through metal that’s struggling to close. I’m sure the convo is important. I’m sure you have much to catch up on, but if that’s true, GET OFF THE DAMN ELEVATOR.
3. The Door-Closer
I know you saw me coming. In fact, weren’t we just basically within hand-holding distance a few moments ago on the way to the elevator bank? I’m sure you’re in a hurry, but I’m legit RIGHT THERE. You jump in all hot and press the close button. Don’t think I didn’t see that. I’m coming to find you some day on your floor, and I hope that door closes on your foot.
4. The Lost Soul
Somehow your blind wandering through the halls has brought you to the wrong floor, but now I’m getting caught in your confused crossfire because we’re both going down together. Only this time, you’ve managed to press every button, and my two-minute coffee run has now turned into a ten-minute escapade watching you get off and then back in every floor on the way down.
5. The Chatty Cathy
We all have friends that we ride with, but dear God why are you yelling in my ear to get your friend’s attention? Not only have you two decided not to stand near each other and whisper, but you’ve now made this confined space your own personal megaphone by yelling over or through the crowd to chit-chat about the weather. I’m sure you find Patty’s office hygiene a worthy conversation, but the rest of us would like to pretend like you’re not in here with us. Thanks.
6. The Squeezer
Coming down we’re rolling close to the maximum weight limit, but we can’t control this damn thing because it is stopping on every floor because #lunchtime. Each stop brings new anxiety, wondering who is going to be the asshole that doesn’t understand claustrophobia. Then we find him. He makes that face like, “Whoops, excuse me, guys, going to sneak right in here…” as he crams in the middle like a tow truck in reverse. Oh! Yes, you’re right; this IS comfortable. You’re breathing in my ear and your hand is uncomfortably close to my ass. No, there couldn’t be a reason EVERYONE ELSE on your floor chose to wait it out. No reason at all.
7. The Stair Avoider
I get it. Stairs are a pain in the ass, but if you’re only one floor away from the apartment lobby—or just any lobby, for that matter—would it kill you to take them? Can’t be more than 5 to 10 stairs tops. Having lived in a building where only one elevator took me to the lobby, it was a nightmare just waiting for the damn thing, plus the sheer paranoia when you are coming down to floor #1 and you’re praying that it’ll slide on home to the ground floor. Of course it doesn’t, and the doors open to the person who decided their tender feet couldn’t be sacrificed to go get their pizza delivery. I absolutely hate you.
8. The Pet Owner
I love animals, but if you’re going to be a proud pet owner you should know that curbing your dog also applies to all public spaces including the elevator. The “presents” they leave are not worth living with every time I have to get to my destination. And those barks coming from your dog’s mouth are not inaudible. They are very much real.
9. The Conversationalist
You may not be able to sit in silence for more than a second, but I love minding my own business—especially in inopportune moments such as while riding an elevator. We have nothing in common aside from this ride, so please don’t ask how I’m doing. Don’t ask me what I was doing on the 5th floor. Just pretend to awkwardly stare at your phone the same way I am and get on your merry way when the doors open. My day is full of fake laughs and smiles, so please let me try to enjoy these brief moments of reality.
10. The Stampeder
It would be nice if you waited a mere moment before sprinting out of the elevator and tackling everyone in your path. Conversely, the only reason I’m in your way, bro, is because you felt the need to jump right in front of opening doors when a tidal wave of annoyed people are trying to get on with their day. Thing is, you probably weren’t paying attention because your face was buried in your phone and you expected everyone to get out of your way. I’ll be the person purposely bumping into you and I’ll laugh at your angry scoff.