I am done waiting. I am done waiting for the money to come in, to get in better shape, for my house to be beautifully decorated, for the words to be written, for the dishes to disappear from the sink, for my husband and I to have more time together, to know for sure whether I want to have another baby or not, to be unafraid, to share my voice.
I am done waiting.
This is a new thought for me because, up until now, waiting is just what I did — it was like breathing. I breathed. I waited. But when I turned 40, everything changed. I looked around my life and realized I am still waiting for that sectional couch, tailored wardrobe, fit body, fat checking account, daily yoga practice, photos on the wall, space to create art, regular travel, weekly dance class, daily writing practice, my voice to be heard. And I’ve been waiting for these things for years. Where are they are? Why aren’t they here yet?
Over the last few months, I’ve been digging into my habitual waiting as if it were a weed with a long root system. I’ve been searching for the end of it. I wanted to understand where this waiting came from and why I kept returning to it. What am I waiting for? Why do I keep waiting?
Here’s what I have discovered.
I wait because it feels easier than doing the thing that needs to get done.
I wait because I don’t know what to do.
I wait because I don’t have the time.
I wait because it’s hard to change.
I wait because I’m tired.
I wait because I hope that someday, someone or something will take care of the hard stuff for me or tell me, for the thousandth time, I’m good enough to do it on my own.
I wait because I am afraid of my potential.
I wait because I’m comfortable being uncomfortable (with how my life looks now). It’s what I know.
I wait because I am afraid.
I have the last tendril of the root system in my hand. All that’s there is fear. I wait because I’m afraid. I keep digging. I’m afraid I’ll do it wrong. I’m afraid I don’t know enough. I’m afraid I’ll fail.
There it is! I’m afraid I’ll fail.
That’s what all this waiting is about. I’m afraid I’ll fail so I hold back on making decisions, taking risks, or going outside of my comfort zone, but the result is that I always feel like my life is being half-lived. Like I’m constantly holding myself in.
I just keep waiting for the ideal time, for permission, for help, for all the stars to align to do what I want to do.
I am so done with this.
So when I say I am done waiting, what I mean is that I am done being afraid. I am done being afraid of not knowing what to do next. I am done being afraid of change in my routine. I am done being afraid of tiredness. I am done being afraid of my potential. I am done sitting on the couch fantasizing about someday. I am done being afraid of who I am.
I am now realizing that the fear I have felt at every edge of myself, within every decision, and at every breakdown and breakthrough, is actually a sign of life. A beautiful blossom of hope, creativity, and courage.
So instead of waiting and being afraid, I’m going all in on my life, and that looks like:
Waking up early, when it’s still dark out and I know I have a chunk of time to practice yoga and to write before Daisy wakes up.
Getting clear about one goal that I can go after over the next few months.
Working five hours a week on my goal.
Putting everything in my calendar and then adhering to my calendar.
Putting my writing, yoga, and business above getting the dishes done.
Giving up dairy for good and believing that I am worth the health of being dairy-free, believing that I can get through any meal without dairy, believing that I am worth it.
Promoting my workshops with all my might and then selling them out.
Never giving up on myself — my writing, my coaching, my yoga practice, my art practice, my ideas, my passion, my love of dance, my workshops, my business, my relationships. Never giving up.
Looking at my calendar every Sunday to prepare for the week, knowing my priorities, and going after them first.
Treating certain days as sacred work days — no meetings or other interruptions and using those days to get massively ahead.
Creating time to call my best friend as well as my family.
Doing daily self-coaching.
Feeling the fear and doing it anyways.
This list is helpful — really helpful. It’s filled with actions that take me out of the habitual waiting and into my life. It’s exciting and scary all at once.
I’m done waiting, and I mean that with every fiber in my being. But just because I say I am done waiting doesn’t mean it’s all downhill from here. No, I expect lots of hard fear-filled moments, but I am ready and willing to become who I need to become to get through those moments.
Are you done waiting? Are you ready to become who you need to become to get to the other side of fear, doubt, and overwhelm?
You can do this. You can do anything you set your mind to.