In Defense of Sex

I lost my virginity to my high school sweetheart when I was seventeen.  I can remember being very deer in headlights, on my back, saying, “I love you” over and over and over until he was inside.  And when he came, I looked up at him in my vulnerable state and asked “Can I try on top now?”

Because sex is fun.

When I was little, I played doctor with any willing playmate.  I started humping pillows until they gave me orgasms when I was something like twelve.  I scoped things out with a hand mirror.  I helped a friend put in a tampon.  I looked up sex in the dictionary and, when my dad stole cable for a few months when I was fourteen, I totally watched porn.

Don’t get me wrong, I romanticized sex.  I did.  I refused to sleep with my boyfriend of a year because I was not ready or willing to have that moment with him.  I waited for the right guy and I am grateful that I loved him and he loved me back.  But when we did it for the first time, it was not perfect.  He was much taller than me and I could not properly kiss him.  It also hurt pretty badly.  When I ended up not enjoying myself for the minute or two that it lasted, I asked to try things my way.

And, as the years passed and I had new boyfriends, I tried other things.  I suggested watching porn to my nineteen-year-old boyfriend that only wanted to do it missionary.  I asked another boyfriend to go down on me while I was on my period because that sounded good to me.  And when a different boyfriend asked me to purr during sex, you better believe I purred in his ear and then I licked and bit it.  When I started dating a guy who had a reputation of being “nuts” in bed, I did not flinch when he suggested sticking a finger up his butt or asked me to spit in his mouth…I happily obliged.  I did it all with confidence and without fear that I was going to A) freak the guy out B) not enjoy myself or C) look fat/weird/funny/ugly.

(Have I freaked a guy out? Yep.  Exactly one guy in nine years.  Have I faked an orgasm?  I have.  Most of the time I did it because I knew it would the guy off and that was what I wanted at the moment, though.  If it is truly bad, I stop.  And if a roll forms while I am in one position or another I think it is sexy as hell.  My body is working it.)

I try new positions, I sext (I am sexting with the hot guy I obsessed over in high school while I write this, guys), I do not fully shave, I ask for what I want and I love watching it happen in a mirror.  Because, to me, sex is fun.  While my confidence may lack in other areas, I am not going to second guess that I am hot shit when I am doing my thing.

I have never lost sight of the fact that sex is something free, amazing and primal.  You should do it with confidence and love.  But keep in mind that love is not always going to be for the other person.  That love should always, first and foremost, be for you.  I took time on my own (and eventually with others) to determine what I liked.  I come almost every time I have sex because I am relaxed enough to get mine.  I do not worry if whatever flew out of my mouth crossed a line, if I am going to queef, or whether I am bloated that day.  And, if I am not with someone who is blowing my mind, I am picturing someone who is.  And for the few times that I have loved someone so much that no one and nothing else entered my mind during sex, I enjoyed that closeness to the full extent, too.

Sex is an opportunity to let loose, to do you, to let your freak flag fly.  Get into it.  Whether you are taking home some random or losing your virginity for the first time at 30, live that shit up.  You deserve it and I am cheering you on. TC mark

image – Noah Kalina


More From Thought Catalog

  • Julene

    The most sex-positive piece I've seen on TC. Digging it.

  • L.

    amen sister!

  • paulie

    Kinda the permission I didn't realise I needed.

  • Alex Thayer


  • Sra92roche

    I love this!!

  • Meghan Blalock

    Love this. Love hearing a woman talk about how much she loves sex. Love the part about the fat roll. So true. #twerk

  • Anna

    You know, I'm really likin' this.

  • Kuboaa

    Oh Jesus, not another one of these. Alright, fine. I’ll fall in line: You go girl! Way to realize your femininity through sexual intercourse . . . even though there’s nothing really unique or special about this. . . . fuck. I can’t do it. . . . You’re sexting right now? You’re so daring! It’s not banal at all. Listen: It’s fine that you have kinky sex and you’re coming to realize that the “powers that be” are wrong to make a natural act seem completely unnatural. But–and I hesitate to say it–this topic is as stale as two day old horse shit. Next time, keep it in the barn–where all the kinky shit really belongs.

    • Debbie

      Sounds like someone isn't getting any.

      • Kuboaa

        Audible sigh. You’re right. I’m dried up. Can’t even get wet. That must be it. I’ll just go back into my corner and read some Foucault.

      • Mark

        Wow! How super edgy of you to insult someone's writing by saying, “that's so yesterday.” Honestly, who are you to tell someone to not express themselves through writing? Better yet, where can we read a timely piece that you've written? Or do you just sit around reading French philosophers all day without producing anything of your own?

      • Kathleen Gambo

        Correction: has *never* gotten any.

      • moodIndigo

        Oh dear! Sarcasm own goal everyone… lol


      Kuboaa, you should take a trip upstate with Amanda and I. We'll show you everything you've been missing, starting with choking.

    • P. H. Madore

      Yeah, because Thought Catalog has a reputation of covering important social issues and is on its way to replacing Mother Jones. Miserable bitch is all you are. Thanks.

      • P. H. Madore

        Or prick. I mean, whatever.

  • Calla

    Fantastic piece, Ms. Oliver. I'm trying so hard to get to that place where the accidental fat roll doesn't bother me–trying, trying!

    But I'm not gonna lie, now I'm pretty curious to know what you did to freak someone out…

  • Mitch

    Less tortured emo bullshit. More of this.

  • Rose Meza

    I'm sorry but, I hate when girls say they don't feel self conscience in bed ever. A- it makes those who do feel even worse. B- 99.9% of the time it's because, hey, they don't have any fat rolls or qualms to have in bed because they have really nice bodies to begin with.

    • Anna

      God fucking forbid

    • Emily Stroud

      I've never been skinny but I couldn't identify more with this author. Flaws and all, I learned a long time ago to enjoy life, and in this life there just so happens to be sex (wonderful, wonderful sex).

  • natural

    When sex become something that needed to be defended? Good article, but I don't know about the title.

  • P. H. Madore

    Feel like my biggest sexual accomplishment is making girls unashamed of themselves. It's always nice when they start that way, but then I'm just a warm body. Either way, right the fuck on.

  • Brian McElmurry


  • sprigs

    I love it.

  • ariezee


  • Mayra Ruiz

    Whether you are taking home some random or losing your virginity for the first time at 30, live that shit up. You deserve it and I am cheering you on.


    • Poopybutt

      its so fucking obvious though…kinda goes without saying

  • Brandon

    Great antidote to that insufferable “Sex, So What?” article that mysteriously disappeared from the site.

    • Amanda

      THANK YOU. this was a response piece to that!

    • lula

      yeah! what happened to that piece? i commented something and went back to see if there was a response and the whole thing was gone. WTF!

      great article. i'm pretty much let my freak flag fly too. but the going down while on your period – woah! i've had sex while on my period, but getting eaten out is just beyond!

      • MWil

        I think everyone was tearing into that girl for writing it… the “I don't masturbate because it's not my job” line in her article raised the world's collective eyebrow.

  • Sara

    Exactly what I needed.

  • Nicki

    Yeah girl!

  • star colonel kotaire

    no mention of tea-bagging?

  • lauren

    hell yeah, let your freak flag fly! most people are more open-minded in bed than you would expect them to be. self-consciousness brings the mood way down, just have fun with it!

  • rhodeislander

    Attention every other woman on earth: you see this shit? This is the shit right here. Dig on this shit. Learn this shit. LOVE this shit. Anyone who can't get on board can get the fuck out, and take their body and daddy issues with them. If you're going to fuck, fuck, and stop endlessly fretting about it.

    • Anna

      Don't tell me what to do! You don't know me, fuck. I will do what I want with my body and have as many daddy issues as I want, bitch. And my guy better fucking love that shit. Dig on my shit love that shit eat that shit.

      • Jasper

        no. fuck you. grow up.

      • Hendreeee bag.

      • Tbone1623

        love it!

  • normal

    glad to know there are other women out there who are normal

  • MM

    I could not have said it better.

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