10 Guys I’m Glad I Never Slept With

GIRLS / Amazon.com
GIRLS / Amazon.com
I have what you’d call a “low number.” Let’s just say that, thanks to a late virginity loss and a whole lot of long-term monogamy, I’ve let a far-below average quantity of people join me in a tandem performance of the horizontal Macarena. Those of you like me, 20-something’s who haven’t exactly made it around the proverbial block, could feel self-conscious about your lack of conquests—but I choose to believe that the “quality not quantity” axiom is relevant here. Based on horror stories and track records of the more frequently shtupped, here is a list of all the lays I’m perfectly happy to have avoided thus far.

1. The dick high school boyfriend/fellow virgin.

Sophomore year, he said he loved you, then bagged you in the guest room while your mom was at Zumba. He lasted 18 seconds, dubbed himself King Vagina, and dumped you six weeks later for a junior with a belly button ring. It was gross, it was pubescent, and I’m thrilled to have somehow sidestepped it all.

2. The fratty manslut.

He has more visible abdominal muscles than IQ points. The biggest word he knows is Chlamydia. He sends things like, “Yo grl, come over” via mass text, and you’d think that after boning half the females in your college class he’d be better at this.

3. The seedy European one-night-stand.

His ability to speak a Romance language and coif his hair doesn’t mean he doesn’t smell rancid and live with his mom. Plus, bumping uglies on Study Abroad is so cliché.

4. The questionably gay man.

His Banana Republic wardrobe is amazing, but he can’t stay hard. Making out with this dude is kosher, but once genitalia get involved, things turn nightmarishly flaccid, and suddenly you don’t know if he’s lying to himself or if you’re just too gross for him. I avoided this scenario by the skin of my teeth, and boy am I delighted I did.

5. The coworker who can’t keep it on the DL.

Now all he does is make excuses to come by your desk and sit next to you at staff meetings, and you’re pretty sure he told Brian in Accounting that you sucked his toes. You pray that he’ll quit, and in the meantime, you’ve chosen to eat lunch in the bathroom.

6. The OK Cupid clinger.

You do everything else over the Internet, so why not date online too? His teeth looked white in photos and his bio was the right balance of assertive and self-deprecating, but after you met for drinks and proceeded to get it on, he wept like an infant and told you he wanted to father your offspring. So, I guess that’s why.

7. The childhood neighbor who grew up and got decent looking.

You went home to visit your family, saw him at a barbecue, and after a bottle of wine and an odd “we’re adults now, this is allowed” exchange, it happened. The sex itself was nice and all, but now that it’s over, you kind of feel like it was a not-so-distant cousin of incest, and that’s never fun.

8. The “artist.”

Maybe he composes Baroque synthpop with a melodica and maybe he makes Neo-Marxist paintings with food coloring, but either way, he doesn’t have a job and thinks he’s God’s gift to modernity. This would all be fine if he would just go down on you for a while before sticking it in, but he’s too selfish and preoccupied with his genius to think about your needs. (Personally, I consider myself lucky that the few people I’ve slept with have been fully employed and only mildly artistic).

9. The guy you didn’t know was on coke.

It all seemed so promising until he went soft in the middle of your turn on top. Why are all the hot ones on so many cock-blocking drugs??

10. The ex.

You spent so many months getting over him, but ever since you rekindled for that one-time-only, hit-it-and-quit-it slip-up, it was all for shit. This one is an emotional kick in the butt, and I’m thankful to have been spared.

Who are you glad you’ve never fucked? I’d love to know in the comments below. TC mark

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