My criteria for swiping right are simple: be alive, be a human woman, and lack the ability to discern appropriate grammatical usage. I’ll settle for 1 of 3. My unopened box of Trojans is going to expire in two days. Help.
I am looking for love. True love. On an unrelated note, I will settle for immediate texts back, an inappropriate emoji conversation as foreplay, and one paid-for salad before coitus.
I am a 30-something party animal and all-around interesting human being. Yes, that is my third Bud Light of the day in my first photo. You may have noticed my shirtless Vegas pool party picture from 2004. My abs are still present, just 2 or 3 workouts away from Adonis #nbd. Fireball and unprotected sex are my favorite.
Did you see the picture of a waterfall I took? I had to commission 12 separate hikers to take that photo so I could impress you. All of my photos are taken via GoPro because I am just that interesting and the fish-eye angle obscures enough of my face to be considered attractive.
I am looking for an intellectual match. There are only close-up face selfies in my Tinder repository because I want you to take notice of my cranial shape and not because I am vapid simpleton with ambient lighting and a comely left angle. Use ‘your’ and ‘you’re’ properly and my vagina is ‘yours.’
I am not one of those crazy “CrossFit people” like my 6 photos and 12 moments may suggest. I have character and depth. I also have 13 blister/callous combos and a violent penchant for protein-laced beverages. On average I spend 40% of my time at the gym, 35% eating uncured meats, 20% hashtagging pictures of my WODs, and 5% compartmentalizing my life into ratios that highlight my empirical sadness.
Here’s a quote from Marilyn Monroe that is a metaphor for my life. If a dating situation presents itself between us, you are not permitted to have any female friends that weigh less than 250lbs. If I am not your #WCW by our second date, I will scrawl the inscrutable word “BAE” on your car so that everyone knows what the fuck is up. #mine **knife emoji** **heart eyes**