I thought being an adult meant drinking Martinis at lunch, making more money than I could stuff into an open fire pit, and approaching task delegation like a marksman. Instead, I’ve spent many hours crying without tears, exerting the maximum effort, battling disproportionate tax increases to an increased salary, and eating foods that aren’t double fried or wrapped in bacon.
How people transition from adolescence to adulthood without a hitch is beyond me. I feel the societal pressure to succumb to perceived normalcy: Babies and Betrothal; Xanax and Flaxseed. How do I even adult properly?
Since life doesn’t come with instructions, here are a few things you should prepare yourself for:
1. You can’t have it all.
Prepare to part ways with your social life, kindle subscription, medium-maintenance relationship, high-paying job or metabolism. Which department you choose is up to you. You can make it work, but you won’t sleep. I promise you that.
2. You will become dependent on technology.
EAT 24, Netflix, WebMD, HBO Go, Tinder. You will be unable to form new relationships or facilitate human interaction without a technological aide. Welcome to adulthood efficiency my friend.
3. Relationships will change.
You will need to book your friends 10-months in advance if they are coupled up. The follow through may depend entirely on their relationship status 9.8 months from now.
4. Your metabolism will recede into bleak nothingness.
The five donuts you used to consume for breakfast will immediately lead to diabetes. You can circumvent this by establishing a fitness routine and eating berries and twigs for 3 meals a day.
5. Your hangovers will linger for the better part of 2 days.
Your liver will cease to process alcohol, and just laugh at you as it passes through your bloodstream.
6. You will be taxed exponentially for everything.
You don’t even have to be great at math to understand that credit card APRs are designed to disable you physically, mentally and spiritually. You will cripple under the weight of student loans, car loans and health insurance deductibles.
7. Everything you post online or mention in passing will be judged and evaluated by your peers and the media, and you will be found wanting.
Everything you do will have an unfortunate consequence. People don’t forget.
In all seriousness, it’s not that bad. Just learn to laugh at everything, and cry silently into a bowl of wine when you’re inconsolable. It may get worse, but you will get better at it.