What Makes Him A Douche Canoe, Based On His Zodiac Sign

It may seem like every guy you meet is the same as every other douche, but they’re all shitty in their own special way.
What Makes Him A Douche Canoe, Based On His Zodiac Sign


(March 21st to April 19th)

He loves being right almost as much as he loves himself.

Dating an Aries means dating his ego, too. He’s not heartless; he’ll definitely love you, but he’ll always love himself first. Honestly, there’s probably not even enough room for all three of you. He’ll make you think you’re #blessed to be seeing him, when actually you’re dry heaving at the thought of being tied down to him.


(April 20th to May 21st)

He has one setting: selfish.

Maybe at first it’s cute, like ëaww he’s so stubborn’ but believe me, that wares off. It’s his way or the high way, and believe me if you’re thinking of leaving himÖ good luck. He doesn’t like to let go of things until he’s ready, so have fun with that hot mess of a douche.


(May 22nd to June 21st)

He’s the most inconsistent and indecisive human being you’ll ever meet.

I’d say he’s confusing, but it’d be an understatement. He gives up quick, moves on fast, then has zero shame coming back and asking for a second chance. Asking him to make up his mind is like asking him to perform brain surgery so best of love for your years spent being on-again-off-again with this Gemini.


(June 22nd to July 22nd)

He’s a stage-five clinger in disguise.

Cancers are hot, I’ll give them that. But underneath that rugged, mysterious exterior is a little bitch who ëneeds to talk’ 24/7. He’s overly emotional, cares way too much, and is quick to become obsessed with you. And his mood swings are unlike any PMS, don’t say I didn’t warn you.


(July 23rd to August 22nd)

He is the definition of control freak.

Sure, domination in the bedroom can be hot, but when he carries it into everyday life it’s so not. He needs to be in charge or else he loses it. If you go on a trip he’ll be the one doing all the driving, if you want to go on a date he’ll choose the place and order for you.

Honestly, if he could he’d put a leash on you he would.


(August 23rd to September 22nd)

He’s as judgmental as they come.

He doesn’t sugar coat a damn thing, that’s for sure and he isn’t afraid to tell you exactly what he thinks of you right off the bat. Believe me, he has an opinion on everything. You brush your teeth for 30 seconds less than him? He has something to say about it. You wear the same jeans two days in a row? He makes sure to point out his laundry has been done and folded for a week now. Sometimes he won’t even say anything, but his face certainly will. Why? He gets off on it.


(September 23rd to October 22nd)

He’s unreliable and lazy and yet expect the world.

He doesn’t make plans because he can’t keep them. And if you make the plans, he’ll probably definitely bail. He just doesn’t like to do much, it takes a lot of work to get him to want to do something. Don’t take it personally, you can try as hard as you want, love every ounce of himÖ he just won’t really know what to do with it. He’s the ultimate rebound and the worst potential boyfriend.


(October 23rd to November 22nd)

He’s jealous and manipulative.

He’s the type to see you got snapped by some random guy who means nothing to you, question you about it, then go and start snapping a girl he knows to get back at you. Because if you’re doing it he can do it, right? Wrong, douche bag. Dealing with his jealousy is one thing but when it comes to his manipulation there is no sanity. He’s the first to blame you and the last to own up to anything he’s done wrong. Scorpio is quite possibly the douchiest sign.


(November 23rd to December 21st)

He’s overly confident for literally no reason…at all.

It’d be one thing if he were gorgeous, or admirably smart, or had one of those personalities that people gravitate towards…but none of those are true to him. He’s just another dude, you know the kind who loves himself and thinks way too highly of himself. To the point where you’ll be thinking, “Wow this great guy is into me!” Then reality will hit you and you’ll realize he planted those thoughts in your head and threw a pair of rose colored glasses on you when you weren’t looking. Ladies, a Sagittarius is nothing to fawn over.


(December 22nd to January 20th)

He’s stubborn as hell.

Once they have something in their head there’s little to no changing it. He fully believes what he thinks and knows is right, which is a great quality if he’s a lawyer or something, but not if he’s your boyfriend. He’s the type to bring up shit you said during an argument in 2005 and let you forget it. Good luck opening his mind, I think it’s sewn shut.


(January 21st to February 18th)

He’s the detached type who’ll push you away before you even realize it.

When he says, “I don’t care,” he really doesn’t care. He keeps his heart a yard away at all times, just to be safe. He’s basically the opposite of a stage five clinger, he’s a stage seven pusher because he’ll do almost everything he can to not let you in. And becoming obsessed with a girl isn’t really his thing, he’ll give a “she’s cool” at most. If you want to say he’s “independent,” then you wouldn’t be wrong, but it’s more like independence on steroids.


(February 19th to March 20th)

He’s the definition of a man-child.

When he’s not locked in his room playing video games, he’s probably somewhere crying over a fight you guys had years ago that he can’t stop thinking about. His brain literally doesn’t process sarcasm and if you make fun of him he’ll laugh it off in person, but let you know how much it upset him the next day. He’s a responsibility in a boyfriend, so thanks, but no thanks. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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