Why Being The ‘Fixer’ In Your Relationships Is Only Hurting You

Kaci Baum

I seem to draw a certain type of guy towards me, like a magnetic for men that have problems that need to be solved. I have always been a fixer-upper girl. Oh, he’s been in trouble a few times? I can fix that! He hasn’t been in a serious relationship in a long time? I can fix that too! I guess you can say I am a very ambitious woman. Even though I have been a “fixer” for quite a long time, I finally realized why it’s actually a terrible way to be. It took a long time, but I finally got it.

Being a “fixer” as I like to call it, puts someone else before you.

I’m not talking about the normal, you care about that person before you. Putting that person before you is everything. Literally wanting to help them in every single aspect of their life. I wanted to solve every problem, help them with everything I possibly could. Need a job? I’ll fill out the applications for you. Need a resume too? I can write that. The list was never ending, those are just two examples. I would seriously do everything, and it was exhausting.

Putting someone before you like that is just not healthy. I finally came to terms with that, but it took a while for me to understand it. I had family and friends constantly telling me that I needed to start caring about myself, but I just thought I was being helpful. I had no idea I was destroying myself slowly.

Eventually, I noticed that everything I had to work on was getting pushed off. My S.O’s matters came first, of course. Not only did this stop me from achieving my goals, but it actually stopped me from much bigger accomplishments.

Honestly, I just enrolled back into college because now I don’t have someone (other than my daughter) to take care of. Taking care of another adult is down right draining.

With procrastinating my own goals came the feeling of failure. I felt like I let my family down, my daughter down, and more importantly- myself down. I knew I was capable of so much more, so why did I let someone else take that from me? Then I woke up.

I realized that no one else stopped me from anything but myself. No one told me to take care of these guys, no one said that was my goal in life. So I had to really stop and re-evaluate everything.

The light bulb turned on. I am worth so much more than basically being a maid to these people. Only then did I notice that my self-esteem was low. I had a serious issue, a “me issue”. So, I took some steps to start fixing, fixing myself, which was the best step I have ever taken.

I know now that I am worth so much more than I ever thought I was. I am building up my confidence one day at a time and doing the things I want to do. I am setting up goals, and working towards them. Most importantly, I am focusing on me. Which is something I haven’t done in a long, long time.
Maybe it feels good to help others when they need it. Sure it is rewarding. Just make sure that you are also working on yourself as well, because out of everyone else, (other than your family of course), you are the most important of all. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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