Anything That Can Go Wrong Will Go Wrong

In any situation, when the worst possible thing that can happen at that moment happens – you almost don’t believe it. Really? Really? Is this really happening????? When on the one day that you need to get to work early your bus doesn’t come – you ask god why he doesn’t love you. When the new dress you bought for your birthday falls in the mud on your way back from the store (true story) you ask the heavens why you were born. But when your boyfriend finds stuff you think he never will – you WANNA FUCKING DIE.

Now, why do us needy-for-attention-and-validation gals find it okay to accept compliments from stranger-hottie-dudes on Facebook chat, or send smiley faces back to text messages from old boyfriends we no longer consider real people? I believe that we engage in this meaningless activity just to get a small ego boost from someone who doesn’t get a daily whiff of our number two’s.

Though this sounds like the lamest and most pathetic excuse ever, it is true. After being in a relationship for awhile, your significant other might appreciate your beauty on one of those good hair days, or on a special occasion dress-up to a wedding or something. However, your long flowy (goddess-like) blonde hair and flirty blue eyes have become ineffective/ insufficient/ blah. He loves you already. You got him when you were summer-tanned and 10 pounds less. Now, you can look like whatever, eat whatever, fart and burp whenever, and he’ll still be there (or so you hope). But you mustn’t expect to wake up to morning compliments or spark amazement in his eyes when you wear a cleaveage-full shirt (for the 80th time).

It is for this reason, I rationalize, that we look for the side pick-ups. It’s not that we care about these desperate losers who know we have a boyfriend, but continue to pursue us. It’s just that they’ll never get us, so they’re amazed by us. We see them at the bar, give them a half-smile, and keep walking, knowing they’re checking out our ass. And our boyfriends no longer check out our apple bottoms. SOMEONE MUST APPRECIATE, NO?

Sooner or later though, your supposedly unappreciative boyfriend finds those flirty pursuers, finds those old texts you didn’t erase, those pictures you thought you’d forever keep, and those suck-up messages you like to glance at to feel good about yourself. He finds them. And he hates you – because you suck!

If you are smart, like me, you will learn from this. After a heaving crying fit in fear that the most important person in your world will leave you, you realize how unimportant it is to be told you are SUPER SEXY by some loser. Because frankly, you’ll never date that loser. You’ll learn that maybe you’re the unappreciative one. That maybe you must find his undying love for you, his caring, and his support as the biggest ego boost in the world. The fact that he knows you’re pretty and doesn’t really give a shit about it anymore BECAUSE IT DOESN’T MATTER (supposedly) should be the biggest compliment on earth. To have one guy not just wanna fuck you – even though he gets to do it on the daily – is what should make us most confident. So there. I’ve learned my lesson. No more boosts from the outside world. Because I know now that it is not okay. And more than that….he’ll find out. TC mark


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  • kwy

    i want my two minutes back.

  • jessica

    i seriously wish TC wasnt used as a channel for long-winded apologies for petty personal shit. if a public justification/groveling is necessary, keep it on facebook.

  • um

    this reads like it was written at gunpoint.

  • Ted

    This is even worse then the usual obviously personal neurotic relationship nonsense.

  • j.a.

    god this article couldn't have come at a more perfect time. thank you for making these realizations absolutely 100% confirmed for me before i fuck things up even more with the person who loves me when i burp and tells me i look beautiful when i have puffy eyes. 

    also, haters up top quit hatin'

  • AH

    really great writing. These haters just want to hate because they are miserable and can't understand the sense of humor and style of writing.

  • Kyle Angeletti

    Derp. Kinda dumb you had to get caught to realize this. 


  • bl

    love it, so funny

  • Nihary 96

    it,s funny

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