When Payday Runs Your Life

Shutterstock/Silberkorn
Shutterstock/Silberkorn

If you’re like most people suffering through the hell that is a 9-5 desk job, your paycheck typically arrives bi-weekly. I don’t know about you, but the lifespan of my paycheck always tends to follow the same predictable pattern whether I try to break it or not. Who decided that getting paid every other Friday is acceptable? I believe this is designed to set us up for failure. Budgeting is difficult. I don’t care how many budget spreadsheets you make or how much you tell yourself that this time YOU WILL use this check wisely. It hardly ever goes the way you intend.  I don’t know about you, but here’s a scenario of what happens when I get paid:

Pay Day Morning:

YAAAAAAAAAAAS. Thank god. There’s no way I could have survived another day. Ok, this time I am really going to use this check sensibly. I’m going to pay all my bills immediately so I won’t stress about it. But let me just see if that Lush top is still on sale that I saw last week online. I deserve to buy one thing for myself. I’ve worked hard and I need a new shirt anyway, and this shirt I could wear out and also to work, so it is a smart, practical purchase. Plus, I am going to budget this time so I’m not going to spend a lot of money going out this weekend so I can spend my money on things I actually need.

Pay Day Afternoon:

I really want to go out tonight though. It’s Friday, why should I not go out? I’ve earned it. I’ll go out but I’m only going to spend $30 MAX. That’s reasonable. I won’t go out next weekend so it’ll be fine. But now my friends want to get tapas beforehand so I’ve now decided the limit is $50 MAX. That’s not bad.

Pay Day Night:

Tapas are a conspiracy. $12 for bacon wrapped scallops? I thought tapas were supposed to be cheap. In Spain, you get tapas for free with your drinks. WTF is this rip-off? And SANGRIA. I cannot even believe a pitcher of Sangria is $30. I could make this at home. What a joke. But whatever, I am here and having fun with my friends so YOLO. Cue Drake.

Saturday Morning:

(Checks bank account) God dammit. I said I was only going to spend $50. I lied. It’s okay though. I won’t go out tonight. Boyfriend wants to go out for lunch. I am just so hungry and hungover and don’t have any food at my house so I’m just gonna go if we can ever even decide on a place we both agree on. Maybe he will just pay for me.

…….We’re splitting it. I can’t expect him to always pay for me, because of ~equality~ and all. I do owe him money. I guess that’s fair.

Saturday Night:

Boyfriend says let’s make dinner at home. I feel good about this because we will just split the grocery cost and it will be waaaaay cheaper than going out. But we really want to make steaks. And you have to have red wine with steaks. How can you have steak without red wine?

(At the register) Ok so this costs a lot more than I was expecting. But it’s okay. I still have a substantial amount of my paycheck left.

Sunday:

What is that sound?! Is that brunch calling? I really want chicken and waffles. Omg so good. I could make it at home I guess. Nahhhh. LOL. It’s Sunday and everyone goes to brunch on Sunday. That’s just what we do. I mean, spending $40 on chicken and waffles and unlimited mimosas is a worthy deal that I will never regret right? Carpe diem.

Monday:

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Wouldn’t it be sOoOoOoOo crazy if I didn’t have to pay rent? I’d have so much more money. Fuck rent and fuck all my bills. This is so unfair. I think I’ll call my mom and complain to her about all of this.

The Rest of the Week:

Cable/Internet, Groceries, Gas, Random co-worker lunch, unnecessary trip to Target to get one thing but instead got 17 things= minimal money remaining for the upcoming weekend.

2nd Friday:

SHIT. Seriously? I CAN NOT GO OUT THIS WEEKEND. If I go out this weekend, I may not have enough money to live through the rest of the week. I need to be good and control myself.  Maybe if I just go out one night though. I don’t even have to go out out. I could just do like, maybe a cheap dinner and “a few drinks” like a mature respectable adult.   I mean what am I going to do? Be a hermit all weekend? I can always just drink PBR if have to OR try and get somebody else to buy my drinks.

2nd Monday:

What in the world happened this weekend? I said I was going to be RESPONSIBLE. I lied. AGAIN. I was swiping my card left and right pretending I had unlimited funds. Now I have $20 left for the entire week. Time to get creative and make excuses about why I can’t do anything social. I’ve done it before and I can do it again! Only 4 more days until pay day. I really need to find ways to earn extra money.

2nd Thursday:

Omggggggggg I am so broke. I am just going to sit here and have a pity party for myself about how much my life sucks. But really, other people have it way worse. I really need to put things into perspective and think about how #blessed I really am. What if I didn’t have a job at all? What if I was homeless or had no clean water?  I’m getting paid tomorrow and everything will be okay.

Pay Day Morning:

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS. Repeat all of the above. TC mark

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