1. “We Should Grab Lunch Sometime!”
Synonyms: “We should catch up”; “Let’s grab a drink soon”
You run into Starbucks to spend too much money on your unnecessary coffee when who do you see standing in line in front of you? Jessica from your high school cheerleading squad! You guys used to be “besties”. She sees you and immediately it’s “OMG hi!!!!” You feign excitement to see each other and then proceed to start an awkward conversation while you’re both secretly hoping the line moves faster. You both get your order and are ready to go your respective ways. “Well it was nice running into you!” she says. “Yeah, we should grab lunch sometime!” you find yourself saying. Do you want to grab lunch with Jessica? No. Will you ever actually get lunch with Jessica? Probably not. We are all guilty of using this to end a conversation. Maybe sometimes you really do mean it. But let’s face it, more often than not this is complete and total bullshit.
2. “I’ll Pay you Back”
Synonyms: “Next one’s on me”; “I don’t have cash on me but I’ll get you later”
Whether we’re drunkenly saying this to our friend at the bar, or completely sober, we’ve all said it and subsequently never paid that person back. As long as you make your good intention known to pay the person back, then you don’t feel guilty in that moment of accepting a drink, meal, etc. We all have that one friend who is always doing this too. They do it so often that you have now both just accepted the fact that they are lying but still keep up the charade. Either this friend is a genius who has successfully schemed their way out of never paying their fair share, or they are always broke but incredibly fun to hang out with so you continue to pay for them.
3. “I’m just going for ONE drink”
Synonyms: “I have to wake up early anyway” ;“I’m trying to save money”
LOL. Stop playin. You knowwww it’s never just one drink. One drink turns into “well happy hour doesn’t end for another 30 minutes, so might as well just get one more”. This starts the downward spiral of “one more drink” instead of just one. Before you know it you’ve spent $60 on ridiculously expensive cocktails, you’re stumbling down the sidewalk drunk dialing and trying to find the nearest Jimmy John’s because you forgot to eat dinner and are suddenly SoOoOoO hungry. Why do we try to convince ourselves that this phenomenon really exists? Who has ever had just one drink? If you have, I commend you.
4. “Let me check my calendar”
Synonyms: “I might have plans”; “I think I have this thing to go to”
Who honestly has a calendar to check? We use this when we don’t want to commit to something and need to stall to think of an excuse or seem more important than we really are cuz ya know, we’re just “sooo busy” (avoiding things, being lazy) and just “don’t have time for anything anymore!” (except all the things you’d rather be doing). So go ahead, check your imaginary calendar when you already know nothing is on it.
5. “I’ll be there in 5 minutes”
Synonyms: “Leaving now”; “On the way”
OH THE LIES. Everybody knows you will not be there in 5 minutes, haven’t left yet, and are definitely NOT on the way. Everyone knows you took too long of a nap, took too much time scrolling through Instagram/Facebook/Pinterest/Twitter/Tinder/anything and everything, and had “nothing to wear” — which delayed your getting ready process even more since you had to try on 75 outfits and text the options to everyone, just to end settling on the very first outfit you tried on. Also, you sneezed while applying mascara making yourself look like a raccoon, had to redo your entire face because of it, had to fix your chipped nail making you handicap for 3 minutes, had to clean your cat’s litterbox and double check that you locked your door, just to be sure. God it is exhausting.
6. “Your baby is so cute!”
Synonyms: “he/she is adorable!”; “awwwwww…”
FACT: Not all babies are cute. Some babies are ugly. Some babies look like trolls. But what kind of monster insults a baby?
7. “I won’t tell anyone”
Synonyms: “This is between me and you”; “It’s our secret”
Ladies are notorious gossipers. What makes sharing gossip/talking shit/telling secrets so unbelievably fun and entertaining? The fact that you’re not supposed to do it. Have you ever gotten a piece of gossip from someone/about someone and been dying, literallyyyy dying, to share it but were told you couldn’t? Have you been told a secret and swore up and down you wouldn’t tell anyone? BUT YOU DID THO. “I only told my boyfriend, that doesn’t count!” or “I just told my best friend, I tell her everything!” aren’t valid excuses. There are those select few who are certified vaults though. Respect.
8. “I’m fine”
Synonyms: “I’m over it”; “Don’t worry about it”; “No really, I’m fine”
THIS has to be the epitome of phrases women use but don’t mean. You’re definitely not fine or over it. WHY WHY WHY? Why do we do continue this atrocity? Why would we rather be miserable than admit something is wrong? Because our boyfriend should already know what’s wrong without us telling him? Because we don’t want to seem like a needy, whiny, bitch? Because we would rather seem emotionless than act like we care? Don’t do it ladies. If we all just stopped using this cop-out phrase, the world would be a better place.
9. “I can’t”
Synonyms: “I can’t even”; “I literally can’t right now”