I Have Absolutely No Redeeming Qualities And Surprise, Neither Do You

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In every stereotypical high school situation, there are certain archetypal girls: smart, pretty, funny, talented, sweet/nice, ect. I have none of these. Let me break it down for you this way:

Smart

I’m not an idiot. In fact, in school, I did pretty well. But I think 90% of the world’s population would agree with me that good grades are not the same thing as smart. I have very little common sense. A good example of this is that I’m submitting a Thought Catalog article about how I have no redeeming qualities. The first day of my freshman year of college, I picked up a piece of fake fruit and walked off with it. So, I think it’s safe to say I’m not the Smart One.

Pretty

The only time I leave the house without makeup is when I’m very ill and going to the doctor’s office. My skin is pale. Not pretty, sparkling ethereal pale, but corpse white. Except for my cheeks, which are sunburned so badly it looks like I’m permanently embarrassed. My nose is too big. Don’t even get me started on my body. Believe me when I say, I’m not, and have never been, the Pretty One.

Funny

I’m sarcastic, but in a cutting, hurt-your-feelings-and-not-really-give-a-damn sort of way. If I could make you laugh, I would, but clearly, I’m not the Funny One.

Talented

I’ve tried to play the flute, the drums, the piano… I’ve tried painting, sketching, singing, dancing, a slew of sports. You name it, I’ve tried it. There’s a reason I don’t do any of them anymore. I’m not the Talented One.

Sweet/Nice

I can’t even tell you how many people I’ve made cry. My roommate got all offended every time I said “bless you” when she sneezed. Did I stop saying bless you? No, I bought a bible and left it sitting on my desk to piss her off further. If I get into an argument with someone, if it’s bad enough, I just stop talking to whoever upset me. I guess I figure if I’m worth anything to them, they’ll make an effort to fix it. If not, the relationship dies. So I guess we can say I’m not the Sweet/Nice One.

So, I have no redeeming qualities. I’ll let you in on a secret; plenty of people don’t either. And another secret, even with no redeeming qualities, somehow people will end up gravitating toward you anyway. I have friends who could be Mensa members, Miss Americas, SNL correspondents, X Factor contestants or saints. Some of them could be more than one of those things. And for some reason, they put up with me.