With 2016 coming to a close in just a few, short weeks, 2017 already has high expectations set for itself. I wonder sometimes, truthfully I wonder a lot; but I wonder- what expectations do we have for ourselves?
I guess we all have our own idea and variations; I think that’s normal. I think it’s easy to say we want things, and suddenly back out. I think it’s easier for us to want than actually work for what it is we are trying to achieve. I think it’s when we see that failure is possible, the fear quickly walks us out of whatever it is we wanted to attain.
Sometimes, I think, “Sure, yeah, I can do this.” But, it doesn’t happen all the time.
I don’t know what it is. I don’t know if I give up too easily, or if I just see the realistic approach that it’s not attainable before I am able to let the dream live out a little while longer. I don’t know if my dreams are just that, dreams. Our parents tell us we can do anything, but what if what we actually want isn’t what they had intended, what they had planned? Are we allowed to disrupt the plan? What if I don’t want the same life they live now, what if I think there’s another option? But what if, I never take the chance to see if there is.
Sometimes, I think maybe what I’m meant to do and achieve has already been written down, in some undecipherable language. Sometimes, it makes me sad that I can’t step outside of these four walls, this lifestyle that so many of us are accustomed to. Sometimes, I feel hopeful, inspired, motivated, excited even. Sometimes, I try not to think about it. Sometimes I try to deny that the days keep slipping away from me, and turn to weeks, which lead to months. So now, a whole year coming to a close and I don’t know much that I can vouch to have expected from it. But most of all, I think that I can do it, whatever it is, but it doesn’t mean that I ever actually do.
I’m sure I am not alone in this idea, this fascination with curiosity. I’m sure we’ve all questioned where we are supposed to be, where we are supposed to be going, or where we are supposed to stay. I think though, we are so focused, primarily on what it is that is keeping us back, what it is that is holding us from reaching the fulfillment we want, the void we are so desperately trying to satisfy. I don’t know it if exists, but it sure feels like it does. There’s this part of me, deep down, somewhere I have not been able to pinpoint that whispers there is something more, there is something out there, something I am supposed to do, something I am supposed to say, somewhere I am meant to be or go to. I don’t know if it’s God. I don’t know if it’s my conscious or just the curious minds around me vaguely whispering. Sometimes I wonder, if what I am doing is even doing anything at all. There’s got to be more though, more to this one-dimensional routine.
And I think that maybe I could change the world, if only I wasn’t afraid to. What if I find that there isn’t much else, what if what we think exists is only fiction? What if we go outside to find out and are disappointed with the results that life supplies us with? What’s worse, what if we never do…
So with this new year, there comes this new sense, leading to change, discovery, memories to make, if we choose. I wonder if 2017 has the expectation to lead me to answers, lead me to wherever it is I think I should be headed. I’ve heard those don’t always exist either, answers. I’ve learned that it’s good to question, but sometimes that is as far as it goes, if you let it. Maybe. there is no answer. Maybe, we won’t know what expectations we have for ourselves, of others, of the world. Maybe, we just have to keep going and find out.