It has almost been a month. To be honest, it could be more than that, even less perhaps. It feels as though centuries have passed since I’ve last seen or heard of you and I’m not quite sure if that is a good or bad thing. I guess time will tell, as it does with most things.
I debated long and hard on this. I contemplated many times if I should reach out to you. But, somewhere, within myself I found that the answer was always “no”. I told myself I was done writing about you, and that’s why it’s been so long since my fingers have touched keys this quickly before. I’ve said it time and time again: “This is it.” “There’s nothing left to say.” “I’m done.”
But today, I believe it.
There really isn’t much left to say anymore. But today I think it’s your birthday, or maybe it was a few days ago. And though in years past, I’ve gone against my word and wished you well, told you that I missed you or something along those lines; but today, I did no such thing, because I really don’t even know it is your birthday. That, in itself, just showed me how little I really knew. I couldn’t even remember your birthday and yet I somehow claimed to be in love with you. Crazy. I was so consumed in investing time into a stranger, that I became one to myself.
Today helped me realize that so much time has passed and it will continue to keep going without us.
Today it wasn’t about whether it was or wasn’t your day; my mind no longer revolved around a boy and what I could do to try and convince you and myself I was worthy of you. Today I know that I’m worthy, nothing else.
I sat, day after day, scribbling words and feelings I thought I had for a boy who could never give me what I wanted, and had no reason to. I cried, long nights and early mornings, asking myself what it was that I did, or what I could have done. I convinced myself that there had to be something wrong with me, because you didn’t love me. I hated myself so much, and that’s all I was- hatred. I was so negative about every single thing, and couldn’t recognize anything good in my life.
And today, I read all these writings, these scribbles that I still shed a tear at now. I am able to see how hurt I was, how much I destroyed myself over what I thought was “the one”; but all the while it was myself. It put so much into perspective, reading my writing. It just went to show how much denial I was in; how every time I wrote, “You hurt me. You made me feel worthless. You didn’t love me” I was putting you in place of myself. And sure, I will not lie, you did hurt me, this is true, and it is just to say that. But, I hurt myself more than I could ever let someone else.
Today, I was able to say “Look at how you felt. Look at how upset you were.” I never want to be like that again, ever.
I was angry with myself, I wasn’t happy with myself or where I was. And I thought that I could just put this all on someone else. I could blame someone else for not loving me, when all along it was me. I put all my worry and pain into someone else, hoping they would be able to heal it all. I thought that there was this hidden truth, that I could dig out, but it was my infatuation that caused me to hurt even more.
I’ve learned, the only person who can heal someone who has been broken, is themselves.
It has not been easy, it’s been extremely difficult trying to put back pieces of myself back together that have been lost and damaged for some years. But, I am much happier, because I know that in the end, I’ll have myself to thank and not someone else. I refuse to forfeit a fight within myself. I refuse to give up because things got tough and didn’t go my way. So today, I am happy- for no reason other than just that-happiness.
In the beginning it was hard, because wonder still arouse. And technically, I’m still in the beginning of this all, but I haven’t given up, and that’s something I am proud of. With time I’ve grown to learn that worrying about someone else 24/7 leaves you no time to focus on yourself. And I did “lose” myself, in a way because I am still finding her. If you stop evolving, and growing, you can’t ever get anywhere than where you are right in this moment. I know this is a journey, and it is a long one, but I am on it. I don’t plan to hop off any time soon.
I am not ashamed to admit it. I am not ashamed to say that I had been hurt. I’m not humiliated by the things I wrote that were published. I am not embarrassed by the words of others or the fact that all my emotions and feelings are circling the internet. It’s like a digital diary, and though the world can read it, somehow it only makes sense to me.
One last thing, it really is true- to be happy. I didn’t believe it for so long, I felt like I was destined to live a life worth hating. But even in amidst all the bad, somehow there is good. You will discover it; I promise you that. From thinking I’d be only exposed to darkness, today the sun shines through my windowsill.