I know it’s been quite some time since we’ve last spoken, but I hope you are doing well. I hope you know that I do miss you on occasion. It has been really hard to stop myself from always finding an excuse to talk to you, but I am trying my hardest to let it all go.
Everyone tells me that you are no good for me, that all you do is bring me down. But when I am with you, I feel above it all, upon the mess below us. I wish I could call you up right now. All I want is to hear your voice, to laugh with you, and tell you all I never could.
I question whether you would answer me though; I wonder if you’ve just tried to delete me from your past, or if I have simply been forgotten.
Do you miss me? Do you miss staying up on the phone until 3 A.M? Probably not, but I guess that is okay. I think you’re moving on, I know you are. I need to do the same, but there is a part of me that can’t, more so, I simply do not want to.
It is always an ongoing cycle between you and me. Surely, we’ve gone through periods of time without seeing or speaking to one another, but we manage. Maybe it is a coincidence; maybe it is luck that we are able to pick back up where we left off. Or maybe I am just a fool for you. Maybe you know how madly in love I am with the idea of you and me. But all it has been is an idea, a dream, a hope- but the faith in the idea of us has slowly faded.
I have fallen in and out of love with you so many times. I look at you and see some boy I fell in love with several years ago, I see a 17-year old girl, who was vulnerable. But I wish I could still look at you and see those same reasons of why I first fell in love with you. Now, things are so different, but still so the same. Maybe we’ve grown into who we are- who we are supposed to be. Maybe who we once were is just that, once.
I suppose that I am not meant to be with you, sometimes I hope I am.
I should tell you that I am hurt by you still, that I will never forget the words or things you have said. I will remember every feeling I have ever felt with you, good and bad, they’ve compiled into this memory that never fades.
A memory, if that is all that we are, then I will treasure it. I will write every goddamn thing down to remember it all.
But I wish you could just say what I need to hear, not what I want to. Because I can’t hear you say, “I love you” if you don’t mean it. I know this is all crazy talk, and that truthfully, you don’t love me. If you loved me, you wouldn’t have given up. You would’ve fought, but this is a battle and I’ve lost you. I know that I have missed the chances you’ve given me and I am sorry that I wasted the opportunity that was right in front of us. I was scared to have my heart broken again by you. I know I was wrong, to keep letting you back in, I was wrong to keep pushing you away.
I want nothing but good things for you, and I know you are working so hard for what you want, for who you want to be. You inspire me everyday to work for what I want in my life. And though I continue to chase my dreams, chasing never leads to you.
After a while I’ve realized no matter how fast I can run, whether that is running away from you or running to you when I need you, it’ll never be enough to stay. I will always have to go back, find a reason to leave. No path, dirt road, coincidental run-in, text, call will fix the damage that has been done over the years.
If I could change things, start over from the beginning when there were no complications, I would in a heartbeat. But I know that this inconsistent relationship will never be enough, I will never be enough for you. No matter where we end up, it won’t be together.
It breaks my heart to know that the first person I lost myself in was able to take so much from me and yet give me so little to hold onto. And I can never get that girl back. I hope one day, we somehow, by the “fate” that we seem to always have brings us together, not together, together but in a place where we both see one another. Maybe we are with someone else, maybe we are still searching but just seeing you, seeing us both truly happy.
I never will regret the fights, the laughs, none of it, not even the nights I cried waiting, because the wait is over. It’s time to accept what is and move on.
I was lucky to be in love with my best friend. I know that we happened for a reason. I hope you find what makes you happy. And I hope I do the same. Please don’t lose the boy that made me once made me fall in love.
I miss that boy. I loved that boy.