You won’t know when it’s happening. You won’t know what you are losing when it’s happening. You won’t know the worth of what you lost and the certitude of a girl who loved you unconditionally until it’s too late.
Other things will blind you at first – other shiny and novel short-term amusements. You will be enticed by their allure at night and then toss them aside the morning after. You will think of her then, when you are contemplating your bleak existence on your empty bed and questioning why your life feels so vacant. You will think of her then and recall her lively spirit. You will want to see her suddenly and fill your void with her vitality.
You will see her then. You will take her on nice encounters. You will be thoughtful in your planning and subtle in your gestures. She isn’t like the others you tell yourself as you watch her extroverted nature color your world with her animated speech. You will take note of her hands and how they serve as an extension of her voice. You will note the way her hands act out her stories. You will note how she effortlessly changes her tone during the serious and humorous points of her stories. You will note how she tilts her head back in laughter and the subtle smile she gives you in passing moments. You will note every detail of hers and entrench them in your mind, and play them over and over as you slowly fall for her.
You will do the same to her. You won’t know it at first. She won’t show the obvious signs. She will be slightly guarded but you will find your way, pushing back the walls she had constructed. You will force your way in through her barriers and all the doubt you may have had will cease. Her initial hesitation will end. She will give in wholeheartedly and shower you with adoration.
But you will do what boys so often do and ruin a good thing. You will hurt her somehow. You will pull back for sure. You will see her much less and leave her pondering and wondering what happened?
You will deflect then and brush her off. You will call her compassionate heart crazy, you will call her selfless nature overwhelming, you will call her unconditional love for you as too needy and when she finally musters up the courage to ask you what’s going on, you will slice her kindness and right to honesty as being clingy and a bit too much.
The truth is that you are too scared, too scared to admit to her and to yourself of your feelings. You are too scared to experience the raw beauty of what love could look like. You are too frightened by the prospect of being in the company of someone who loves you without reservation. Maybe it’s a reflection of your insecurities or maybe you are simply a coward because when you made the move to push her away, you began her transformation to the very thing you scoffed her to be. Her once soft heart hardened, marked by the scars you left as she transitioned into the ‘difficult’ girl you made her out to be.