I knew it when we first met. I knew you were never meant to be mine. I knew you were too good, too impeccable for someone like me.
I knew you could do better in that moment your eyes crossed path with mine. Caution should have ceased you but intrigue overwhelmed you. I intrigued you but I wish you hadn’t been. You were so intrigued that you stopped talking to that nice girl in front of you and walked my way. You should have stayed with that girl, you should have not sat next to me and thrown those terribly cheesy pick up lines. I should have not laughed. I should have brushed you off. I should have stopped it before it all could have begun but I was selfish. I am selfish which is a fact old you wouldn’t believe but the present version, the remaining scraps of whatever I have not destroyed still left, that version knows my egoism firsthand.
There was a time you would have said that my awful parts had an explanation.
You would have cited the environmental factors of a terrible upbringing, broken home, non-existent relationships, and more nonsense. Personally, I think those are all excuses. I told you over and over, there are folks raised like me but 10 times better than anything I could strive to be. There was a time you would have said that I too could be like those folks. There was a time you foolishly saw potential in me even when I refused to believe it. And god did you try to make me see whatever you saw but I lost my vision for self-confidence a long time ago. I was forever blind to seeing the good but your selfless soul kept trying to help because that’s just what you do.
I never deserved your kindness. I never deserved your help. I never deserved to be showered by a love like yours. You should have saved it for someone better for now I worry I’ve ruined you.
Please don’t harden as a result of my misery. Please don’t let my dreadful ways dictate your demeanor. Please run free like you did before you met me.
This is why I had to end it before you lost the last elements of goodness inside of you.
I know it hurts but I had to pull the trigger. The injury will be minor in hindsight. I didn’t shoot at your heart, just outside of it. I did that on purpose leaving your heart still intact. You will begin again. You will love again. You will find someone better than me. You will find someone wholesome and pure, just like you. You will find someone who will want to thrive like you do. You will find someone who cares for you deeply.
You will find someone who doesn’t inflict harm wherever she goes.
You will find someone who is stable and sensible, someone strong enough to carry you when you fall. You will find someone flawless, a mirrored image of the selfless perfection that is you.