Read This When You Are Upset With Me

unsplash.com/Nathan Walker
unsplash.com/Nathan Walker

Listen. I know you don’t want to. I know being here, right now is the last thing you would prefer. But just listen, please. Listen to what these words are trying to convey but I never could.

I want you to read this when I upset you. It’s the apology I was never able to give you in the moment when it mattered the most. It’s the words that I choked on, the ones I was too afraid to admit. It’s the truth I was too coward enough to face.

There’s this common habit I’ve come to observe of human nature and I guess that’s my hamartia, or one of many. I had something good going for me. Maybe it was a favorable opportunity for my career or maybe it was a promising relationship. But then I overthought and overly cared and some emotions overtook and that was end of everything. Isn’t this our common reversed fortune? When we realize how good things actually are or could be, somehow we fuck it up? It’s as if we deliberately sabotage our own luck because we don’t think we are deserving.

That’s my hamartia, that’s my epic flaw – a cycle of unworthiness that always guarantees an assembly line of royal fuck ups.

I let you down for something I did or didn’t do and it happened because on some level, I don’t think I am worthy like you. There’s an entire spectrum of insecurities we can blame and it’s almost as if I’m giving you a free pass to leave. But please, don’t capitalize on it yet. Please don’t leave until at least I’ve said this all. Please try to understand the humanity of it all.

I never meant to hurt you. I think most mistakes begin with this omission. Most mistakes are void of any purposeful malice. It’s just indirect, the side effects I failed to consider, the very ones that came to cripple you with disappointment.

You might think these efforts are pointless and maybe it’s too late to fix whatever I broke, but I can’t help but try. Try to make you see why I wasn’t able to do and be all that you asked. It was an incompatible exchange of needs and willingness. You asked for so much and I could only give so little

But what are those exact needs? What was I so incapable of doing? What precisely went wrong? It’s all too vague. It’s all too broad. This apology is too all encompassing or it’s trying to be, you might contend. This seems too easy. An apology to use for any situation seems lethargic, perhaps even insincere.

And it is too general, this apology is deliberately written this way because the core of all apologies is the same foundation. Apologies are built with a realization of a flaw or a mistake and then coupled with a sudden feeling of remorse. It’s the epiphany of I’ve fucked up and then determining the details of rectification. It’s the honesty that comes with being vulnerable and the courage of owning up to your faults.

The rudimentary of each apology will always be this, an acknowledgement of wronged actions, a case for forgiveness and a devotion to do better. This is not an excuse or a justification. This is a raw confession. I am sorry for what I’ve done. I am sorry for how it made you feel and I am sorry I didn’t live up to your expectations.

I am done now, I guess. Feel free to use that pass. Before you depart though, just know this. I’ll always be here anticipating your return if you ever do forgive me.TC mark

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