When you feel hopeless, it usually begins with a symbol.
It might begin with an object, an artifact of sort that prompts a memory. Maybe it’s a person that reminds you of a particular moment. It’s some sort of representation that fundamentally triggers a feeling of inadequacy. It’s the something you should have done but you didn’t or you couldn’t. It’s the compilation of failures and regrets that make you unable to sleep and feel restless at night. It’s the people you’ve let down including yourself. It’s the people you claim you value but you never made time for and the ones that you’ve hurt, directly or indirectly. It’s the dreams you never had the courage to follow, it’s the lies you tell yourself as an adult. It’s the mistakes you’ve made that are playing in your mind like a film stuck on repeat.
It’s a self-constructed cage full of every foregone goal or ambition you’ve ever had and it eats at your soul. Slowly, inch-by-inch, it consumes the livelihood of what was once your smile, leaving you with an empty gaze and a hollow presence.
And it’s not just a seldom feeling, it’s constant and daily. It’s extends its lifeline and colors your judgment. You see it in everything and everyone. There’s an endless feeling of despair that becomes incredibly difficult to overcome. When you feel hopeless, you lose many forms of motivation. It begins with the small stuff. You recluse from loved ones and pick up the dissenting lexis of no. Your desires shift. You no longer find joy in the things you loved to do. You retreat further into solitude. You never truly want to leave the remaining objects that give you security. Your bed, the couch, a blanket becomes your preferred choices of setting because everything else is just too tiresome and pointless.
It all appears pointless because that’s the way your mind processes it. The defeated thoughts form in your head and you lose any motivation for a recovery. A comeback seems too bleak. You think of how much you’ve already failed and convince yourself any remedying efforts will only worsen the situation. It’s too late becomes your mantra and the solace of your downfall. You tell yourself there’s nothing you can do. You sink further and further into a hole, into the abyss of hopelessness until you lose sight of everything that once gave you purpose.