“Am I looking for a boyfriend or for a husband?” That is the question I asked myself last night as I was reminded that I’m looking for a husband and that may feel different than looking for a boyfriend.
And in this very moment that you are reading this question, there are definitely those of you that are thinking, “Stop looking and it will happen.” And I’m not deaf to that concept. I love your optimism when it comes to partnership and dating and life. I do. But please understand I’m already absolutely in love with my life and I am truly happy single. I am. But that doesn’t take away the desire for partnership.
So here I am in the world of single again. The truth is, I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m trying to figure it out, just like the rest of us midlife singles stuck on this roller coaster ride. But I do know when I was looking for a boyfriend, I was in a space of allowance. Allowing things to slide. Allowing qualities to maybe be there, maybe not. Paying more attention to how cute and fun they were rather than how much character they had as a man and what type of emotional stability, safety, and faith they could bring to the table for me and my boys.
And after a lot of the same lessons in different bodies and forms, I’m no longer in that space anymore. Thank God. No, seriously, thank God, because I feel like I was a trainwreck looking for all the wrong men in all the wrong places. And I was succeeding. But I guess that’s the journey.
But this isn’t the search to find a buddy to redo spring break weekend, 1999-style. This is the sacred search for a life partner. So I’ve been taking time for me and really been deeply reevaluating what I want in my forever partnership. I’ve been speaking it out loud without judgment. And I’m clear. There will be no “half-making-a-whole” in our relationship. We will each be powerful and whole individuals choosing each other. So now, there is no letting things slide.
I will not fit a round peg into a square hole. I will not look at potential and a cute face and waste any more of my time trying to see if maybe they will fit. I have non-negotiables, and they are firm. And I’m not one bit sorry for it. Because wife sounds better than girlfriend, but single sounds better than stupid. So here I am, back in the game of singlehood again.