Last night, my boyfriend and I decided to go for a drive through our city. There is something about driving at night that makes us feel good. The whole world gets quiet, and all I have are the winding roads in front of me, the sound of the wind flying by outside, and him. A few years ago, this was all that I ever dreamed of. The simple happiness of knowing that after all this time, the universe finally gave me something good.
While we were driving, I couldn’t help thinking about where I was before I met him. Exactly nine days before I met him, I was at my younger sister’s wedding. I was the only single person left in the family, and they gave me the bouquet instead of throwing it. I told them that I would keep it, but would never get married. I had completely given up on the hope of finding the man I was dreaming about. I wasn’t going to waste my time. I was going to try and be happy alone. And I was.. for about nine days.
Twenty-seven days before I met him, I was laying in bed in the dress I had bought to go out for New Years Eve, and counting down the seconds to midnight by myself. I remember hoping that a year from that day, I wouldn’t be celebrating alone anymore.
The whole of 2013 was spent having countless failed attempts to try and find that connection with someone we all dream of. Most of these men just wanted to sleep with me. I never thought I would find someone who honestly wanted to know me. Where I came from, who I wanted to be… none of this mattered to anyone I spoke to. And, as a woman, I still held onto the hope that maybe this one would be different. Maybe this one would change everything. Of course, none of them did.
In 2012, I remember thinking that I was completely unlovable. My anxiety was the worst it had ever been, and most of my time was spent trying to fit in with people who I knew would never benefit me in any way- aside from one person. I met my best friend that year. And after that, I always had someone I could be completely open and honest with.
From my freshman year in highschool to what would have been my senior year, I was on and off with this guy who, today, is also one of my best friends. I remember thinking that he was my one, and loving him deeply. But I also remember hurting a lot and not knowing why. When we broke up for the last time, I thought that my world was going to end. I cried constantly. It took me a long time to finally move on from this. And though I thought that I never would, I did. I was able to stop hurting, and I found someone who treated me exactly how I wanted to be treated a few years later.
In five years, my life has changed drastically. I remember wondering what type of person I would be, and I’ve come to realize that I have finally become her. But not only am I the person I wanted to be for so long, but I’m also with the man who was in my head my whole life.
There’s a quote by C.S. Lewis that I never thought was relevant to me until now.
“Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different.”
There are still some days when I feel like I’m at a stand-still. I just have to remind myself of everything that has changed for me so far. Things will keep changing. They will always be changing. Maybe slowly, but eventually you’ll realize that nothing is the same as it once was.