There’s a fine line between being an alpha woman who doesn’t need a man to be happy and being a stereotype unmarried female who’s waiting for her own prince to save her. I lay in that line.
There is societal pressure about being “single.” Sure, it doesn’t feel like the end of the world but the idea of it always makes me sigh. Though I have always thought that I am not a girlfriend type, I get attached easily but I get sick of things easily also. That’s why I don’t settle.
A few months ago, I met a guy who stumbled upon my little bubble and popped it. That was when my world started going crazy. He suddenly popped out of nowhere and I gave in easily. Late nights, secret giggles, and silly daydreams—it actually felt good to feel something that brought you back in your early teens. We clicked. We definitely did. Or at least for me. I was ready to be stupid with him.
While this might seem a fairytale love story, I hate to break it to you but it’s not. My lifestyle was jumbled and my thoughts are chaotic. He was everything I wanted but everything bad for me. I knew I wanted to get out this pit before it’s too late. I didn’t realize it until it was indeed late.
We live in the modern time where dating feels like your final Mathematics exam where everything is almost impossible and you just want to give up but you have to fight for it even if it’s clear that you’re close to failing.
I know a lot of times where the last resort to test a contaminated water is by doing a so called silent treatment. It is a poison filled with angst and misery that you throw in to see if a fish will be afflicted but it wasn’t just the fish, but the whole river. It lingered on me hours, days, and weeks.
He made me emotionally unstable. I was tired of mind games and unsure feelings that it affected my mood. I believed the fact that ignoring it would only lead me to worse so I held onto that. I let myself feel and trusted the process of healing.
You definitely never see the start coming but then it’s clear when it’s all falling down.
After all the pang it brought me, the cruel reality hit me on the face that it’s such a waste to spend time being sad for somebody who doesn’t want me as much as I want them. I tried to make a thin attempt to save it but then my inner alpha woman realized, “It’s not even worth it. It never was.” I was just high on uncertainty and sea of maybes resembling a solo roller coaster ride that only goes up.
After all, nothing feels better than dragging yourself out of this hell hole called despair. It’s part of the journey, but it’s not the destination. I am a damsel who doesn’t rely on a prince to rescue me out, I am going to get up and tear that shit down myself.