I’ll Take Losing You Forever Over Never Having Loved You At All

I’ll Take Losing You Forever Over Never Having Loved You At All

Missing you is like having one part of your extremity plucked out. I may still live without it, but life will never be the same. When I said I missed you, I meant the late night phone calls about looking up at the starry sky because International space station was scheduled to pass by. When I said I missed you, I meant that almost midnight phone call ‘till 3 AM while I was out of town and crying unconsolably beside the shore because of life’s heartache and how you tried to bargain with me the beauty of life when I told you how it was so much better to die instead. When I said I missed you, I meant the random calls you make to pass on a good news, the small celebrations we made for each milestones achieved, for making sure I get annoyed because I know you’re eating a peanut butter with strawberry jam sandwich. When I told you I missed you, I meant ordering your favorite iced full leaf brewed tea with shots of strawberry while we argue how weird you are and so out of this world and how you’re so lucky I’m still your friend despite your “flat earth theory” and how you laugh every time I say that. When I told you I missed you, I didn’t mean missing you physically by my side. I meant the strange, scary feeling of wandering under a universe so immense yet feeling the beauty and security having had known I have a constant superhero.

As I go down the memory lane, I remember that time I laughed hard because Starbucks was just right across where you stood and you asked me to come by and help you navigate your way through for you already walked in countless circles around the block – too lost. I guess it’s us all along- walking in circles, getting lost, guiding each other. Life’s jungle, however, seemed to part our tracks and lead us to more confusing places ’till we lose sight of one another. They said grow together without growing apart. But sometimes, it is for a greater reason that we completely separate. It is actually great to know that people change and it is healthy to let go of someone who was once your favorite soul. Maybe, we already have served our purpose in each other’s lives and we don’t have anything new to contribute for the growth of one another. Maybe it’s time that we make room to let in new people.

Really, thank you. A massive gratefulness is all I have right now. Thank you for showing me all the small details of you – both the good and bad. Thank you for the laughter and the joy we both shared. Thank you for acknowledging my faults, lack, and insecurities yet lovingly accept them anyway. Thank you for letting me know when I hurt you and confidently confront and let me know once it happens. Thank you for creating boundaries and limitations. Thank you for being yourself. Thank you for always pushing me beyond of what I thought I am already fully capable of. Thank you for being my “Ra! Ra!” boy, cheering, coaching, challenging me to be better than my present self. Thank you for always telling me to rise beyond my circumstances. Maybe, it’s time for another chapter.

Thank you for being the glue that holds me together when I was falling apart. Thank you for being the wall behind my back when I can no longer stand and support myself. Thank you for being my life vest when I was drowning. You might have been not capable of bringing me to a safe shore or pulling me out of the water, but without you, how on earth will I survive? Thank you for being a part of my life. Thank you for being one of the few reasons why I rejected death when it looked me right in the eye, inviting. Thank you for making it so much easier for me to let go of other people who walked out because who cares, I got you after all.

If I am being honest, I hope my message goes across and beyond words. Unbelievable as it may seem, I thank you with all my heart for leaving when you had to. Jetting off is just a figurative way of saying you already left. We both know you really left everything even before you took your flight off away from me. And I couldn’t thank you enough for that. Thank you for letting go when you had to. Thank you for letting me explore the strength I had all along I never knew existed. Thank you for preparing me for the future pounding of life. You were always looking out for my own good and taking care of me for a decade, I couldn’t even equate the effort and the sacrifices that you made. So now, thank you for looking out and prioritizing yourself. After all, you can’t pour from an empty cup. Thank you for walking away when you felt like I took your sanity and joy. Thank you for letting me experience the pain of having the most important person I have gone like a quick, strong breeze – unexpected and abrupt. It made me realize that time with people is just borrowed. I should appreciate the importance and savor every minute I spend with my loved ones because we never know until at which phase of our lives are they still allowed to go with us through.

Nobody and nothing can and may replace the love, impact, growth – a now painful throbbing void you left in my heart. To personally experience loving and losing friends over the years, I realized the real significance of what they call a transmutation. It’s like life’s way of painful weeding out unnecessary nutrient sucker of life to nourish only the intended receiver of the current season. Having had you who fastened and held me tight through and through after all the pressure and crushing, I learned how to hold on for dear life. Life’s joy is nothing if you have no one to share it with. I was not even once thirsty of any man’s attention because my very best friend was already enough. It will take more than a gentleman to surpass even an inch of how you were to me. I’m not bitter anymore. Although this is a painful goodbye, I’ll take losing you forever from now on than not having you once upon a time at all.