I’ve been blocked lately, feeling awfully lost. At times, I’m grateful for the solitude, but at times I feel suffocated by loneliness. Ten months in to living in Los Angeles, my dating life has included several first dates, and almost no second dates; absolutely no third dates. I’ll admit, more than half of my time here was focused on someone that was incapable of loving me back. He liked me enough to regularly fuck me, but not enough to date me.
Ah, modern romance.
I put myself in the situation, so I do take responsibility for my part and my actions. I’m not a victim, but that didn’t make it sting any less. That was the harsh reality I had to accept.
In my 999th almost relationship, his actions and words expressed he wanted more, but even that is not enough today. It’s not. I think what I took away from the experience is how hard it is for some people to be honest. Honesty could have saved us from a whole lot of ugly, but it’s hard to be honest. It’s easier to play the part of someone you want to be. It’s harder to show someone our true selves, especially if we don’t like that person ourselves.
And today, we can play whatever part we want. We can create personas on social profiles that are virtually whoever we want them to be. We determine how we want to be viewed and for those of us glued to the virtual world, that becomes reality. I think on some level, it’s because we want things to be easy and to fit perfectly. In a digital world of extensive edits and filters, we are tricked into thinking things are easy and do fit perfectly.
Although I don’t want to waste my time putting all of my focus on finding a boyfriend, I have to acknowledge that I really do want someone to want me back. Enough to fuck me and date me. Why today is it always one or the other? The passion with someone it will never go anywhere with or the dullness with the eager beaver. Perhaps I crave something much more intense than most, but I’m not going to lower that standard. I’m not going to settle.
In situations like these, the easy part is cutting someone out. The hard part, is not letting them back in.
It’s so easy to get hung up on the wrong guy when there’s no new guy. You knew what you had, and you know it’s gone, but you can’t seem to find anything close to that with someone new. So, you compare, and you reminisce.
It’s not a bad thing to feel broken. Look at it as a gift.
Being broken pushes you to pull yourself back together. Pulling yourself back together reveals your true strength.
It’s okay if you haven’t found anything close to that almost relationship. I know you miss that feeling of excitement. But that almost relationship was just that, almost. Just imagine those feelings where the word almost doesn’t exist. It’s out there, and I’m not saying it’s easy. It’s actually really fucking hard, harder today because our generation has a problem with communication. We are so connected to the internet and our phones that we are so disconnected from each other.
What’s important is to stay true to yourself and what you crave. I think it’s especially harder to let go of really anyone today. We can always stay connected on social media right?
Let the past live in the past.
Disconnect with those you need to let go of. Disconnect yourself more from the digital world and connect yourself more with what’s happening in front of you. You may just find what you’ve been looking for.
And no matter how hopeless you feel right now, know that it’s temporary. You are capable of more. You will love again.