One year ago, I was drowning in uncertainty, frozen from heartbreak, and powerless towards depression. I was lost yet again, frightened by familiarity. Exactly one year ago, I hit an all-time low—which was another one for me. I took a risk that paid off until it didn’t. I went on an adventure somewhere new that eventually became known—and what I knew I didn’t like. After several jobs and fresh experiences, things eventually stopped working in my favor. I lost a job that I liked, I lost the income that supported me, and I lost my faith in an environment I had begun exploring not too long ago. Then I lost someone that was never mine, to begin with. I was isolated and alone as I rapidly outgrew my current environment without a place to migrate.
I wasted time—getting wasted and feeling sorry for myself. I struggled with how I was going to fix this problem—until I realized there wasn’t a limit to the times I could lose or find myself. No matter how comfortable things seem, things will change, and you will change.
Change is the constant.
It’s different for everyone, but for me, I had to move backward before I moved forward. I had to accept this reality to discover what I’d do next. So things moved backward—really backward. I struggled to find work and struggled, even more, to decide what work I wanted to do. I had to let go of my ego and accept help from those around me while sometimes feeling inadequate. There were plenty of things that didn’t work out. Wins were few and far between while failure felt normal. I failed a lot and revisited feelings of hopelessness, but when I was depressed—I forced myself to remember it was temporary. I investigated new opportunities, and I showed up when I needed to.
Once I stopped feeling sorry for myself, instantly, my lungs filled with up with air. My perception shifted while my focus brightened. Things changed—but it wasn’t until I welcomed and embraced that change that I was able to start making choices that, instead of hurting myself, actually helped me.
It took nearly nine months, but I finally settled into a lifestyle that didn’t make me feel like my old self—but uncovered my new self. My work, home, and social environment suddenly propelled me forward—and finally made some sense of the last almost-year.
Sometimes things don’t work out, so future things have a chance to come into play—better things.
Sometimes things make no sense, so eventually, they will.
I’m sure I’ll fall again—but I’ll get up every damn time.